12 Steps for Cindy

Critical questions loom regarding John McCain’s foreign policy and his economic advisors, but the attention of our tabloid-addled media will soon fasten on his blonde beer-baroness wife, Cindy Lou Hensley McCain.

At a time when life and death, jobs, health, home and hearth depend upon voter understanding of the issues facing our country and the world, our celebrity-obsessed citizens will surely forego focus on the difficult decisions facing our next leaders to wallow in gossip about the drug-abuse and legal tangles of Cindy McCain, beer millionaire, former cheerleader and rodeo queen.

NotionsCapital deplores this trend, and offers Mrs. McCain this advice: get out ahead of this story right now.

Step One: Realize You Can’t Hide. You may think that your past is behind you, but the story is not going away this time. If you want your husband to become the next U.S. President, clear your calendar; address no more country club luncheons.

Step Two: Face the Facts. The American public does not want to know about your degrees in Special Education from USC, your work with disabled children or your book on Movement Therapy. Americans do not care much about your role as wife, mother, charity leader, businesswoman. They are going to fasten like lampreys on these facts: high school cheerleader, beauty queen, Kappa Alpha Theta, Budweiser distributorship, abuser of prescription drugs who substituted rehab at a celebrity spa for felony arrest and conviction. The Great American Public is a “Higher Power” with the lowest taste; never forget that.

Step Three: Keep Going to Meetings. If you haven’t been going to meetings, no one should know because they are supposed to be anonymous. So start going. Just between us, truly anonymous meetings aren’t much good to the campaign, so while you can’t publicize your attendance, it has to leak out – see to it. Millions of voters go to Narcotics Anonymous (NA) and Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings; it is the most important event on their calendars and they vote. Don’t like the company at NA or AA? Start a “Jazzercise-NA” group or something – just go to meetings.

Step Four: Get on That Pony and Ride. There are rumors you are writing an autobiography; get a good ghostwriter and make it happen. We wince all the more saying this to a beer distributor, but make this lemon into lemonade. To switch clichés: It may have been a monkey on your back but you can ride it all the way to the White House.

Step Five: Roll With It. Get out your own story of your addiction to prescription medications as Chapter One, and get a condensed version to the media now. Don’t even think about writing in chronological order. Why? See Steps One and Two.

Step Six: Use It Now! There are plenty of famous musicians, actors, professional athletes and other celebrities who have been addicted to prescription medications. Some of them have endorsed Democratic candidates but all will endorse your courage and wisdom in getting your story out now. The public will remember their praise for you and forget their political endorsement of your husband’s opponents. Is this a great country, or what?

Step Seven: Talk Numbers. Republican pollsters and donors may question the wisdom of this course of action. Show them the latest numbers from NIDA: 48 million people are prescription drug abusers. Remind advisors that addicts and recovering addicts vote. You will be getting public praise from Big Pharma; with a small dose of charm you can turn this into donations.

Step Eight: Book ‘Em. By this time you will have your hands full: you will be in demand as a speaker on Rx Drug Addiction as well as by campaign obligations. Whatever you do, be sure to finish the book. If your ghostwriter or co-author can’t get you to do this, get one who does, someone with a personality like those sadistic personal trainers at the gym.

Step Nine: Walk the Plank. Make sure the Platform Committee at the Republican Convention puts in a plank recognizing that Something Must Be Done About Rx Drug Addiction. It shouldn’t be more specific than that, and can even be part of the Healthcare plank. This will gut any overt Democratic Party attempts to use the past against you; just keep active to negate covert efforts.

Step Ten: Do TV Public Service Announcements Right Away. The Federal Election Commission should permit you to do Rx Drug Addiction TV ads outside the election rules. If the Democratic Party objects, simply call up the celebrities from Step Five and do PSAs with a crowd, like “We Are The World.” It won’t be the campaign, but it sure won’t hurt the campaign.

Step Eleven: Bury ‘Em in Books Before Election Day. Book release time, right after the Republican Convention. Make sure that you have expanded the first chapter (see Step Four). Don’t say it yourself, but make sure it is obvious that the chapter theme is “This can happen in the best of families – and has.” You will have risen so far above the issue that you may endanger passing aircraft.

Step Twelve: Ready-Made First Lady Issue. If your husband is elected, you will be a combination of Jacqueline Kennedy, Betty Ford, and Eleanor Roosevelt. Work with disabled children if you must, but don’t forget the drug abusers who made you First Lady.

Warning!  Do not – ever! – allow anyone to sing “One Day at a Time” in your presence. That could blow the whole election right there.

 Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here (no prescription required). Creative Commons license. Credit: Mike Licht, notionsCapital.com

5 Responses to “12 Steps for Cindy”

  1. Booking Cindy « NotionsCapital Says:

    […] scrollers of this weblog may recall that NotionsCapital previously advised Mrs. McCain to pen such a tome to relate her story of substance abuse before America’s […]

  2. Not Your Father’s Marijuana « NotionsCapital Says:

    […] Drug abuse is not a laughing matter, and has serious medical and legal repercussions unless you are a millionaire beer distributor in Arizona. Do not drive or operate heavy machinery while […]

  3. Cindy McCain and Me « NotionsCapital Says:

    […] Update: Be sure to read 12 steps for Cindy. […]

  4. Missing Celebrity! « NotionsCapital Says:

    […] McCain is writing an autobiography (with help from Beth Brophy), and NotionsCapital advised her (more than once) to get the chapter on her drug problem and recovery out before now, as a […]

  5. Cindy’s Literary Let-Down « NotionsCapital Says:

    […] is heartbroken. We championed such a book before the deal was even announced, as a crucial part of the McCain campaign strategy. […]

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