Archive for the ‘celebrities’ Category

Lochte Wins Olympic Gold In Frat Boy Moves

August 22, 2016

Lochte Wins Olympic Gold In Frat Boy Moves

Ryan Lochte, champion Olympic swimmer and America’s Sexiest Douchbag, is in the news, but not for winning his 12th Olympic medal in Rio. He went to a party at Rio’s Casa França with swim team pals Jimmy Feigen, Gunnar Bentz and Jack Conger and they got drunk. On their way back to the Olympic Village in the wee hours of August 14th, they had their cab driver stop at a gas station in Rio’s Barra da Tijuca neighborhood so they could take a pee. The restroom door was locked, but boys will be boys and nature abhors a full bladder, so they broke down the door and trashed a soap holder, a mirror, and a “Please Do Not Enter” sign. Two impatient athletes peed against a wall. In other words, just another boys night out for privileged American jocks.

But this didn’t go over so well in upscale Barra da Tijuca. An armed security guard appeared, and the drunken bros paid about $51 toward the damages before their taxi was allowed to pull away.

Ryan Lochte (“So Sexy, So Dumb“) had a short-lived reality TV show called What Would Ryan Lochte Do? In this case what he did was lie, as any spoiled frat boy would. When the teammates got back to the Olympic Village, they claimed they were robbed of $400 at gunpoint by crooks masquerading as police, and Ryan Lochte even told that lie to his mother.

This all fell apart when security video surfaced showing that the four had their wallets when they passed through metal detectors on their return to the athletes village. Surveillance footage from the gas station even showed them breaking down that door.

Swimmers Jack Conger and Gunnar Bentz were pulled off a US-bound plane in Rio on August 17th and questioned by police. Teammate Jimmy Feigen was forced to pay $11,000 to a Brazilian charity before he was allowed to leave the country. And Ryan Lochte, in the true spirit of “I’m-a-celebrity-get-me-outta-here,” left Rio on August 16th, before any of that happened.

So after the 2016 Olympic Games observed their closing ceremonies, the people of Rio remember how America’s spoiled millionaire athletes trashed their city and its reputation and taxed its already overburdened justice system. And total bro Ryan Lochte went back to his 130 pairs of shoeship-hop-tropical-frat-boy wardrobe, and a T-shirt that says “I am Ryan Lochte. Google Me.” Only now when you Google “Ryan Lochte,” you’ll get the word “liar.” That’s one Lochte Olympic record that will never be broken.

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Trump: The TV Network

June 20, 2016

Donald J. Trump reportedly has a Plan B for that awkward period after he loses the election to Hillary Clinton: The Trump TV Network.

“According to several people briefed on the discussions, the presumptive Republican nominee is examining the opportunity presented by the ‘audience’ currently supporting him. He has also discussed the possibility of launching a ‘mini-media conglomerate’ outside of his existing TV-production business, Trump Productions LLC. He has, according to one of these people, enlisted the consultation of his daughter Ivanka Trump and son-in-law, Jared Kushner, who owns the The New York Observer. Trump’s rationale, according to this person, is that, ‘win or lose, we are onto something here. We’ve triggered a base of the population that hasn’t had a voice in a long time.’ For his part, Kushner was heard at a New York dinner party saying that ‘the people here don’t understand what I’m seeing. You go to these arenas and people go crazy for him.’”

— Is Donald Trump’s Endgame the Launch of Trump News?” Sarah Ellison, Vanity Fair

We look forward to a a full schedule of reality shows, post-fact news, stream-of-consciousness commentary, Ivanka’s fashion forecasts, pro wrestling, beauty pageants, and celebrity golf, all punctuated with commercials for Trump Steaks, Trump Vodka, Trump Ice, and leftover red baseball caps.

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Image (“Trump on TV, with apologies to Dalton Avalos Ramirez“) by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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Trump, 1990

May 10, 2016

Ezra Klein explains how a 1990 Playboy interview exposes Trump’s biggest weakness.

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Buried Knife Found at the O.J. Simpson Estate

March 8, 2016

Buried Knife Found at the O.J. Simpson Estate

To the delight of tabloid editors and TMZ, a knife found years ago during the demolition of O.J. Simpson’s house, site of his ex-wife’s murder, has been turned over to the LAPD lab for analysis. An LA police officer, now retired, says the LAPD didn’t want the knife, since the trial was already over, so he kept it.

Early reports suggest the knife blade doesn’t match the fatal wounds, and DNA tests are underway.

How did this newly-revealed knife get to the Simpson property? There are many possibilities:

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Trump Triumphant in Nevada

February 24, 2016

Trump Triumphant in Nevada

Reality TV star, Las Vegas restaurateur, and sham “university” founder Donald J. Trump romped through the Nevada Republican Caucus yesterday. “We won with young,” he said, “We won with old. We won with highly educated. We won with poorly educated. I love the poorly educated.”

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Antonin Scalia, 1936 — 2016

February 13, 2016

Antonin Scalia, 1936 -- 2016

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia died today on a ranch in West Texas. He was out West doing the thing he loved second best, playing with guns. What did he love best? The sound of his own voice.

A stunned nation mourns the learned jurist who brought “jiggery-pokery,“ “somersaults of statutory interpretation,” and “pure applesauce“ to the High Court. Justice Scalia also brought George W. Bush to the White House, and willful misinterpretation to the Constitution.

 He was less “Originalist” than an “original.” We’ll not see his like again. With any luck.

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Massacre on Fifth Avenue?

January 28, 2016

Massacre on Fifth Avenue?
“I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose any voters, OK?”
Donald Trump, West Des Moines Iowa
January 23, 2016 [NBC News]

Note: Donald J. Trump has a New York City concealed-carry permit and owns several handguns.

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Happy Birthday, Wolfgang!

January 27, 2016

Happy Birthday, Wolfgang!

It’s the birthday of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. We baked him a little kuchen, but the Internet fire marshals wouldn’t let us put 261 candles on it.

More:

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Auld Lang Syne

January 1, 2016

“Auld Lang Syne” performed in Beijing’s Bird’s Nest Stadium in 2009 by Lang LangSong Zuying, Plácido Domingo, and Jay Chou, with orchestral accompaniment arranged by Qian Yi. Robert Burns’ lyrics were translated by Deng Yingyi.

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Hanukkah With The Donald

December 6, 2015

Hanukkah With The Donald

You Folks:

Happy Holiday from the guy with all the Hanukkah Gelt, Donald Trump. Tell me, you call that a National Hanukkah Menorah? I’ll build a bigger one. And what is this, the Festival of Lightbulbs? There should be lasers. And luxurious latkes with kosher caviar.

And let’s have seasonal dreidel-spinning in the casinos. Hear me, Sheldon Adelson?

— DJT
Make Hanukkah Great Again

More:

“Donald Trump Tells Republican Jews That He Is a Negotiator, Just Like ‘You Folks,'” Eric Levitz, New York Magazine

“Trump to GOP Jews: You’re not going to support me because I don’t want your money,” Jewish Telegraphic Agency

“Trump courts Republican Jews with offensive stereotypes,” Rebecca Shimoni Stoil, Times of Israel

“Donald Trump Kept Repeating Jewish Stereotypes In Speech To Jewish Republicans,” Rosie Gray, Buzzfeed

“5 Cringeworthy Things Donald Trump Has Said About the Jews,” John A. Oswald, The Forward 

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Short link: http://wp.me/p6sb6-myb

Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not boring or obscene. Comments may be edited for clarity and length.

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