DC Gun License

The District of Columbia Government has three weeks to come up with language for Washington, DC pistol licenses. The U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that U.S. citizens have the right to handgun ownership (as opposed to gun leasing or rental) but jurisdictions are allowed to set their own rules and restrictions.

We at NotionsCapital  live on the Hill and know how to draft capital-L “Language.” We know the burdens of writing on deadline. As good DC citizens, we have volunteered to help our elected representatives draft DC handgun license legislation that will pass muster with the current Supreme Court majority.

Draft DC Handgun Licensing Legislation:

Owners of domestic handguns in the District of Columbia MUST:

•  Be resident citizens of the District of Columbia and the United States
•  Be adults, 18 21 30 21 years old or older
•  Register with and be photographed and fingerprinted by the DC Metropolitan Police Department (MPD), registration to include submitting urine and DNA samples
•  Undergo a background check by the MPD (which shall take no longer that two years to complete)
•  Never have been convicted of any felonies in any jurisdiction of the USA or any INTERPOL signatory
•  Never been declared Mentally Incompetent by any court, medical authority, or Ann Coulter
•  Not be a member of any know criminal enterprise (such as the Crips, Bloods, Cosa Nostra, or MoveOn.org) or recognized terrorist organization (such as al-Qaeda, Greenpeace or the ACLU)
•  Be heterosexual
•  Accept Jesus Christ as their Personal Savior
•  Attend and pass a registered Handgun Safety Course
•  Attend and pass a registered Handgun Marksmanship Course
•  Not register more than two dozen firearms in any one household
•  Not store more than 2000 rounds of ammunition
•  Not be Legally Blind

Private persons in the District of Columbia, even those living east of the Anacostia River, may NOT own:

•  Fully-automatic firearms (machineguns, submachineguns, machinepistols, automatic assault weapons, Gatling Guns, etc.)
•  Artillery weapons (howitzers, cannons, mortars, etc.)
•  Exploding, incendiary, or armor-piercing ammunition
•  Combat rocketry of any kind (RPGs, bazookas, ICBMs, bottle rockets, etc.)

Owners of licensed domestic handguns in the District of Columbia MUST:

•  Not carry loaded, functional handguns outside the registered Washington, DC domicile
•  Not register automobiles or bars as Washington, DC domiciles
•  Store handguns in secure places like unlocked bedside tables or under bed pillows, where they are safe from inquisitive children, daytime burglars, and angry or despondent adolescents
•  Refrain from shooting spouses, domestic partners, lovers, themselves, and/or family members between the hours of 10:00 PM and 8:00 AM (11:00 PM and 9:00 AM on weekends)
•  Not say “Would you like to see my pistol?” at Happy Hour

 

Image by Mike Licht. Download a free copy here (semi-automatically). Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

Someone please teach DC Attorney General-Nominee Peter Nickles what a “semiautomatic” is. Thank you.