Commencement Address, Class of 2020

Felicitations! Greetings to all of you joining us today on Zoom (and later on YouTube) on this glorious occasion! Graduates of the Class of 2020, you have passed a final test like no other, the test of coronavirus quarantine, and will now confidently stride, a prudent six feet apart, jaws set firmly under your surgical masks, into the post-pandemic ruins of the world of adulthood.

Each and every one of you has downloaded the distilled wisdom of Western Civilization in a grand adventure in online enlightenment, receiving the best education allowed within the limits of your broadband service contract. You are well-prepared for the long, vacant road ahead, a road of online job searches, Animal Crossing and, for the lucky few, Working From Home. For the rest, you who will deliver our meals and Amazon purchases, we salute you! Please ring the bell when you leave packages at the door.

As you log off now, if you remember anything, make it this: wash your hands, and don’t touch your face. Excelsior!

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Hotline

Related:

“New Neighbors, New Noise Complaints,”Tanvi Misra, Pacific Standard

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Google Rolls Out the Self-Driving Bicycle

Google is introducing the self-driving bicycle in Amsterdam, since the Dutch cycle an average of 900 kilometers (560 miles) per person per year. To see the remarkable technology behind this urban mobility breakthrough, look here.

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GOP Hero: The Movie

The Republican who stood up to President Donald Trump. Coming to a nation near you. Sometime. Maybe.

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Holland Welcomes Trump

Arjen Lubach shows how The Netherlands should welcome the 45th President of the United States.

Related:

“Why, when Trump says ‘America First,’ much of the world worries,” Peter Ford, Christian Science Monitor

“A Short History of ‘America First,'” Krishnadev Calamur, The Atlantic

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The International State Of Women’s Rights: An Onion Report

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Trump: Not Big in Japan

You know the viral “Japanese Donald Trump Commercial” going around, in which a J-Pop princess swoons over America’s Cheeto-colored emperor? It’s really satire by a yank, Mike Diva. Banzai!

More:

“What’s Going on With That Bizarre Japanese Trump Ad?” Andrew Breiner, Roll Call

Related:

“Why Donald Trump’s plan for Japan would be a nightmare for Asia,” Sheila A. Smith, Vox

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The Political Producers

From Jimmy Kimmel Live.

More:

“Jimmy Kimmel’s ‘Producers’ sketch provides a hilarious explanation for the rise of Trump,” Kayla Epstein, Washington Post

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Hanukkah With The Donald

You Folks:

Happy Holiday from the guy with all the Hanukkah Gelt, Donald Trump. Tell me, you call that a National Hanukkah Menorah? I’ll build a bigger one. And what is this, the Festival of Lightbulbs? There should be lasers. And luxurious latkes with kosher caviar.

And let’s have seasonal dreidel-spinning in the casinos. Hear me, Sheldon Adelson?

— DJT
Make Hanukkah Great Again

More:

“Donald Trump Tells Republican Jews That He Is a Negotiator, Just Like ‘You Folks,'” Eric Levitz, New York Magazine

“Trump to GOP Jews: You’re not going to support me because I don’t want your money,” Jewish Telegraphic Agency

“Trump courts Republican Jews with offensive stereotypes,” Rebecca Shimoni Stoil, Times of Israel

“Donald Trump Kept Repeating Jewish Stereotypes In Speech To Jewish Republicans,” Rosie Gray, Buzzfeed

“5 Cringeworthy Things Donald Trump Has Said About the Jews,” John A. Oswald, The Forward 

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Memorial Day 2015

Today is Memorial Day in the United States, a holiday once known as Decoration Day, the time to remember those who fell in defense of their country.  Memorial Day is now officially observed on a Monday to form a three-day holiday weekend, and the original significance has been distilled down to a 60-second Moment of Remembrance.

But there are 259,199 more minutes to a three-day weekend, and human nature abhors a semantic vacuum, so the holiday has acquired meanings in other realms:

Ceremony: Solemn ritual processions.

Ritual garb: White footwear.

Nutrition: Ceremonial meals.

Transportation: The Brickyard.

Economics:  Door-Busters.

Calendar: Memorial Day is the official Unofficial Start of Summer.

The National Moment of Remembrance is at 3:00 PM to 3:01 PM (local time in each time zone) on Monday, May 25, 2015. U.S. Code, Title 36,114, Stat. 3078, Sec.(2)(7): “… reclaim Memorial Day as the sacred and noble event that that day is intended to be.”

For more about the origins of Memorial Day, see Burying the Dead but Not the Past by Dr. Caroline Janney.

Related:

“Why Memorial Day is often confused with Veterans Day (but shouldn’t be),” Valerie Strauss, Washington Post

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