Posts Tagged ‘turkeys’

Turkeys Fight Back!

November 25, 2021

Turkeys Fight Back!

By now you may have settled down into a post-Thanksgiving poultry-induced stupor, but watch out. In many parts of America, native wild turkeys are giving people a good basting. The meleagris gallopavo have come back from near-extinction, and now millions of the 4-foot-tall beasts are reclaiming their turf with a vengance:

“In New Hampshire a motorcyclist crashed after being assaulted. In New Jersey, a terrified postman rang 911 after a dozen members attacked at once. And in Michigan, one town armed public workers with pepper spray.

In September, the Daily Messenger in upstate New York had had enough and published a tongue-in-cheek call to arms: ‘We need to call out the militia, folks. This could be the greatest threat against humans and their civilization since Krakatau erupted. Wild turkey all over America are rioting, rising up in rebellion against the influx of people into their habitat.’”

— “How wild turkeys’ rough and rowdy ways are creating havoc in US cities,” Alice Hutton, The Guardian

_______________________
Short link: https://wp.me/p6sb6-y8U

Top image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. If you need to warn folks near a domestic turkey factory farm, download an appropriate graphic here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not boring or obscene. Comments may be edited for clarity and length.

 

Thanksgiving 2020

November 17, 2020

Thanksgiving 2020

In this pandemic year, many people have decided not to visit Grandma for Thanksgiving, since giving her COVID-19 in exchange for roast turkey and green bean whoopie seems unfair. With smaller holiday gatherings, the market for great big turkeys has collapsed, as farmers see seasonal profits gobbled up by social distancing. Many small pandemic pod parties want smaller turkeys, but growers have not been able to get those big fat birds to lose weight. If you’ve been binge eating during quarantine, maybe you can relate.

More:

“Turkey farmers fear that, this year, they’ve bred too many big birds,” Laura Reiley, Washington Post

“Scaled-back Thanksgiving plans leave turkey farmers in limbo,” Dee-Ann Durbin, Associated Press

“Fauci says small gatherings driving new Covid outbreaks, worries about Thanksgiving,” Sara G. Miller, NBC News

“Thanksgiving In The Time Of COVID-19: To Grandmother’s House Or No?” April Fulton, NPR

“CDC issues new guidance for Thanksgiving gatherings,” Joseph Choi, The Hill

“Traditional Thanksgivings Off the Table As Coronavirus Surges,” Emma Coleman, Route Fifty

“‘A loaded pistol for Grandma’s head’: Colorado governor asks people not to bring COVID to Thanksgiving table,” Alexander Kirk, Nate Lynn, and Jennifer Campbell-Hicks, Fox West Texas

(more…)

Turkey Terror Stalks the Suburbs

November 23, 2017

Turkey Terror Stalks the Suburbs

This afternoon, turkey will be a welcome guest in most American homes, but don’t be fooled. Alive and free-range, Meleagris gallopavo is a danger to life, limb, and giblets. The wild birds have cracked roof tiles in California, dangerously disrupted traffic in western New York, colonized Connecticut, battled Bridgewater, Massachusetts residents, loused up lawns in the Bay Area, and terrorized Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio.

Wild turkeys are native to the U.S.A., so the Trump Administration won’t stop their suburban gang violence unless those great big Mexican wild turkeys take over. Note to Trump: los guajolotes grandes will just flutter over your wall.

(more…)

Turkey Terror Stalks America’s Cities!

May 12, 2017

Turkey Terror Stalks America's Cities!
There’s a new gang terrorising the streets of Boston: Meleagris gallopavo. That’s right, wild turkeys are attacking people and vehicles, and the police do nothing. Thanks, Obama Trump!

(more…)

Turkey Carving Tips for Real Guys

November 24, 2016

Turkey Carving Tips for Real Guys

Oh no! Despite reading Turkey Torching Tips for Real Guys you have a great big, fully cooked, deep-fried Thanksgiving turkey on your hands. You examine it minutely and discover there’s no little red zip tab to open so you can take out slices. What now?

That’s some big old avian cadaver you got there, buddy. There’s only one manly way to divvy it up. That’s right: chainsaw.

(more…)

Turkey Torching Tips for Real Guys

November 23, 2016

Turkey Torching Tips for Real Guys

The National Fire Protection Association claims “turkey fryers that use oil, as currently designed, are not suitable for acceptably safe use by even a well-informed and careful consumer.” Wimps! Thursday is Thanksgiving, when we give thanks for college football and a four-day weekend. That’s when Real American Men generate Code Orange air quality by incinerating poultry on the patio. Yeah, buddy!

Any pantywaist can cook on those SUV-sized natural gas, propane, electric, or gelignite-powered barbecue grills with all those fancy features (good subwoofers can help spread sauce evenly, though). Nah, let’s get ready to deep-fry us some turkey. Here’s how:

1. Put Fire Department on Speed-Dial. Keep your cell phone in your welding apron pocket. It is unwise to enter a flaming residence to use the telephone.

2. Purchase more equipment. You can never have enough Real Guy outdoor cooking gear. Buy some new stuff at Home Depot first. Forget about those electronic gizmos from Leading Edge, you can never read their LCD screens outdoors anyway. Williams-Sonoma? Isn’t that the California wine the wife likes?

3. Don’t forget the turkey. It should be big enough to bother messing with. Double-check to make sure you are not buying a goat or lamb.

4. Check interior compartment of poultry (note: light does not go on automatically; use your Maglite). Any paper-wrapped parcels inside will not contain Surprise Creme Filling. Remove; give to wife or cat. If the bird is frozen, use your Benz-0-Matic torch judiciously or the meat will be dry. At this point you may marinate the turkey in any fluid mixture as long as it contains beer.

5. Equipment check list. This will vary but should definitely include safety equipment (welding apron, Kevlar™ gloves, safety glasses, fire extinguisher, cell phone, well-stocked beer cooler or full beer keg with ice), fire ignition tools (lighting chimney, matches, butane torch,  highway flares, flamethrower, etc.), food manipulating tools (tongs, skewers, forks, knives, pneumatic jack), cooking implements (meat thermometer, meat hygrometer, count-down timer, 55-gallon deep-fry container, perforated deep-fry container insert with turkey stand and handle, caulking gun for stuffing insertion, brushes, sprayguns, and hypodermic needles for applying sauce, tattoo gun for decorations, crane), deep-fry medium (vegetable oil is better than animal fat; Marvel Mystery Oil is not recommended), sauces, rubs, marinades, condiments, spices, and essential vegetables (potato salad, cole slaw, ketchup). Anything missing? See Step #2. Got everything? Cheers! Begin beer consumption.

(more…)

Turkey Carving Tips for Real Guys

November 24, 2015

Turkey Carving Tips for Real Guys

Oh no! Despite reading Turkey Torching Tips for Real Guys you have a great big, fully cooked, deep-fried Thanksgiving turkey on your hands. You examine it minutely and discover there’s no little red zip tab to open so you can take out slices. What now?

That’s some big old avian cadaver you got there, buddy. There’s only one manly way to divvy it up. That’s right: chainsaw.

(more…)

Turkey Torching Tips for Real Guys

November 23, 2015

Turkey Torching Tips for Real Guys
The National Fire Protection Association claims “turkey fryers that use oil, as currently designed, are not suitable for acceptably safe use by even a well-informed and careful consumer.” Wimps! Thursday is Thanksgiving, when we give thanks for college football and a four-day weekend. That’s when Real American Men generate Code Orange air quality by incinerating poultry on the patio. Yeah, buddy!

Any pantywaist can cook on those SUV-sized natural gas, propane, electric, or gelignite-powered barbecue grills with all those fancy features (good subwoofers can help spread sauce evenly, though). Nah, let’s get ready to deep-fry us some turkey. Here’s how:

1. Put Fire Department on Speed-Dial. Keep your cell phone in your welding apron pocket. It is unwise to enter a flaming residence to use the telephone.

2. Purchase more equipment. You can never have enough Real Guy outdoor cooking gear. Buy some new stuff at Home Depot first. Forget about those electronic gizmos from Leading Edge, you can never read their LCD screens outdoors anyway. Williams-Sonoma? Isn’t that the California wine the wife likes?

3. Don’t forget the turkey. It should be big enough to bother messing with. Double-check to make sure you are not buying a goat or lamb.

4. Check interior compartment of poultry (note: light does not go on automatically; use your Maglite). Any paper-wrapped parcels inside will not contain Surprise Creme Filling. Remove; give to wife or cat. If the bird is frozen, use your Benz-0-Matic torch judiciously or the meat will be dry. At this point you may marinate the turkey in any fluid mixture as long as it contains beer.

(more…)

Crying Wolf on Turkey Prices

November 22, 2015

Crying Wolf on Turkey Prices

On Thursday, November 26th, Americans will wolf down 49 million turkeys for Thanksgiving dinner. Since nearly 8 million of the big birds were destroyed this summer over fears of Avian Flu, turkey forecasts predicted prices would be up 15 to 20 percent. Supply and demand, right?

Not so fast:

(more…)

Turkeys, Wild and Otherwise

November 25, 2014

Turkeys, Wild and Otherwise
There may or may not have been turkey at the first thanksgiving, but there will probably be one on your holiday table. Centuries before Columbus, the Aztecs domesticated wild turkeys, and Spanish conquerors took some birds home to Europe where they became popular, reaching England between 1524 and 1541. That means the New England “pilgrim” Puritans were as familiar with turkeys as their Wampanoag dinner guests, but neither would recognize the over-bred bird you bought this week.

A wild tom turkey usually weighs about 20 pounds and can fly for up to a mile with speed bursts up to 55 miles per hour. It’s dark-feathered, sly, slim, tall and long-legged, and can run like the devil through the brush. It can live up to 10 years if it doesn’t get an infection and can be found in any of the contiguous 48 states.

A domestic tom turkey can weigh up to 40 pounds, has white feathers, stumps around on short legs, and sports a huge breast. Most market turkeys come from Minnesota or North Carolina. A domestic turkey can’t fly or reproduce normally, is treated with antibiotics, and only lives for 2 or 3 months before it gets slaughtered for your dining pleasure. Happy Thanksgiving!

 More:

“Head To Head: Wild Vs. Supermarket Turkeys (Infographic),” World Science Festival

“Wild and domestic turkeys: birds of a different feather,” South Carolina Department of Natural Resources

“On This Thanksgiving, Celebrating The Wild Turkey,” Barbara J. King, NPR

Related:

“Look How Much Bigger Thanksgiving Turkeys Are Today Than in the 1930s,” Kiera Butler, Mother Jones 

“How Turkeys Got Broad, White Breasts,” Sara Bir, Modern Farmer

“How America’s Thanksgiving turkeys got so huge,” Svati Kirsten Narula, Quartz

“Benjamin Franklin praises the virtues of the turkey,” from a 1784 letter to his daughter via Lapham’s Quarterly

“Get to Know the Turkey Species You Don’t Eat,” Matt Somiak, Mental Floss

————–—–

Short link: http://wp.me/p6sb6-kgK

Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not boring or obscene. Comments may be edited for clarity and length.

Add to: Facebook | Digg | Del.icio.us | Stumbleupon | Reddit | Blinklist | Twitter | Technorati | Yahoo Buzz | Newsvine