Barbarians Vandalize Ancient Artifacts

As you may have heard, barbarians have defaced cultural artifacts thousands of years old. That’s right Isis militants destroyed statues in the Mosul Museum American tourists carved graffiti on Rome’s ancient Coliseum. 

Related:

“Tourists break piece off priceless ‘Statue of the two Hercules’ in Italy while trying to take a selfie,” Louella-Mae Eleftheriou-Smith, The Independent

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Image (“Vandalized Statue of Rameses II, AKA Ozymandias, after David Roberts”) by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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Neo-Nazi Kitties Held Hostage

Today In International Cat News: An animal shelter in Zwickau, Germany is demanding more than $1,300 for care of two kitty cats owned by an alleged neo-nazi serial murderer. The felines in question, Heidi and Lily, belong to Beate Zschäpe, a member of the Nationalsozialistischer Untergrund, a neo-nazi terror cell suspected of a series of racially motivated murders with as many as 10 victims.

Tweets of Terror

“Imagine you’re a human rights activist working for an NGO in Sri Lanka. After a hard day’s work in a humid office building, you walk into your apartment, fire up your laptop and fire off the following tweet:

 ‘Holding workshop with @LTTE and Sri Lankan govt. about easing roadblocks for medical supplies to be trucked in. Conf. going well, God-willing.’

 Congratulations, you’re now a terrorist.”

— “Terror Tweets,” John Winn, OhMyGov!

Galloping Terror

Two Colombian soldiers were wounded last week when FARC guerrillas set off a bomb planted on a horse. There are no reports on the condition of the horse; we presume it is carne de hamburguesa.

The Horse Bomb is a new addition to the terrorist stable. It is unknown if the unfortunate animal was an Arabian, which of course would implicate Al-Qaeda.

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Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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Proven: The Terror Baby Menace!

 

At last, scientific vindication of the Terror Baby menace, the wave of pregnant terrorist tourists coming to our country and dropping their evil spawn amongst us to bomb us into oblivion. This threat to National Security was first brought to our attention by Congressman Louie Gohmert (R, TX-1) . Mr. Gohmert discovered this phenomenon through the actual chit-chat of an actual foreign woman during an actual overseas airline flight.

Now the Center for Immigration Studies, America’s most official-sounding xenophobic “think tank,” has released a scientific study, based on scientifically-selected editorials, which expresses Islamic Infant Terror Tourist Tactics in actual Arabic Numbers. It reveals that millions of fecund foreign females cross our borders to study and vacation in our fair land and, given their unAmerican high fertility rates, they undoubtedly eject infants before departing. Simple arithmatic shows that as many as 200,000 infant invaders can be be born here under the flimsy cover of legitimate tourist and student visas. These baby bombers can claim U.S. citizenship after a mere 21 years and dissappear amongst us to menace our precious malls and McDonald’s.

Body Scanner Alternatives

Air travelers worldwide are protesting the use of full body scanners in airports, and they like TSA’s full-body pat-downs even less. Eternal vigilance is the price we pay in the battle against deadly exploding undergarments, and this public resistance doesn’t leave many alternatives. One of our readers suggested underwear check-in and compulsory use of security-compliant kilts by air travellers. We assume the airlines will charge extra for that.

 

Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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The New Terrorism: Zombies

U.S. Homeland Security forces are severely strained this weekend as zombies coordinate attacks across the country. The cause of this annual seasonal outbreak may be weaponized biohazards, caution epidemiologists, as they redouble their search to isolate a “Zombie Flu” virus.

This month saw attacks on Traverse City, Normal, Salt Lake City, Shreveport, Oakland, East Peoria, and Pittsburgh. Zombie Code Red alerts are posted for Morgantown, Dallas, Merced, Seattle, Panama City, and other U.S. cities. The global crisis threatens Glasgow, Rotorua, Toronto, and Sault Ste. Marie. Many cities observed World Zombie Day on October 10th to remember those killed by the Undead, and a commemorative opera has been commissioned.

Terrorists Attack U.S. Power Grid

The assault is on. Raiders from the extremist Sciurus carolinensis group are attacking the vulnerable U.S. electric power infrastructure, paralyzing the nation and plunging Americans into darkness. In Virginia. In New Jersey. In Nebraska and Washington State. 

Mass evacuation in Trenton. Terror in Tennessee. Services severed in North Carolina. Arson in Idaho.

Can nothing be done? Is no one safe? When will it end?

Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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Terrorist Bomber Babies!

Pregnant terrorists are infiltrating America to give birth to baby bombers, reports Congressman Louie Gohmert (R, TX-1). Mr. Gohmert, ranking Republican on the subcommittee on Crime, Terrorism and Homeland Security, announced this on the House floor: