Santorum Sells Catholic Cryptocurrency

CNN Political Commentator Rick Santorum, former Republican Senator and erstwhile Pope of Pennsylvania, is now on the board of a blockchain-y digital coin called Cathio, “a new payment, remittance and funding platform which provides efficient, secure, and transparent movement of funds within the Catholic world,” promising to provide a “turnkey solution for Catholic organizations to bring their financial transactions into alignment with their beliefs.” “Turnkey”? Wouldn’t that be St. Peter?

How did a Pennsylvania politico get involved with Vatican Venmo? Maybe it’s because his son-in-law is the firm’s CEO.

More:

“Rick Santorum Is a Cryptocurrency Guy Now, Apparently,” Tom Mckay, Gizmodo

“Santorum, Schlapp Shill For Catholic Crypto Coin Whose Founder Has Sketchy Past,” Josh Kovensky, TPM Muckraker

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Pataki Joins the Umpteen Other Contenders for the 2016 GOP Nomination

Last week former New York Governor George Pataki announced that he is running to be the 2016 Republican Presidential candidate. He’s got three big problems. Number three is the big crowd of contenders ahead of him. His second-biggest problem: Since he left office in 2006 the Republican Party has run away from his social positions, veering quite far to the Right. His number 1 problem? No one knows who he is anymore.

Santorum Crusade Commences

On Wednesday afternoon in the little Palestinian Pennsylvania town of Bethlehem Butler, a Republican savior was born. That’s right, Rick Santorum has declared that he’s running to be the 2016 GOP candidate for President.  He was accompanied by his well-heeled apostle, multi-millionaire Foster Friess.

“I’m really going to have an uphill battle ahead of me,” Mr. Santorum told the money changers in a Tuesday fundraising email, “All the way up Calvary.” Okay, maybe we imagined that last part, but the man sure felt martyred by the 2012 contest, and this Second Coming will be even more trying. This time around there are plenty of other contenders for the hearts, souls, wallets, and votes of the Theocratic Republican faithful.

Rick Santorum, GOP Martyr

Evangelical Christian billionaire Foster Friess introduced Rick Santorum to the CPAC congregation as the most persecuted Tea Party Saint in the room. Mr. Santorum, former Republican senator, failed presidential candidate, and erstwhile Pope of Pennsylvania, didn’t follow that with a Sermon on the Mount. He sounded more like Jeremiah, excoriating the assembled for espousing heathen beliefs like “tolerance,” “inclusion,” “birth control,” and “helping the middle class” in futile attempts to get elected.

Mr. Santorum urged the conservative congregation to chase the moneylenders from the GOP Temple with scourge and torch. Presumably Foster Priess bought a Pennsylvania Papal Indulgence with the millions he spent on Rick Santorum’s failed 2012 presidential campaign. Rick Santorum has not ruled out another Crusade for Christian Theocracy in 2016.

More:

“The Pope of Pennsylvania,” Marie Burns, NY Times Examiner

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Rick Santorum Aspires to Higher Office

Former Senator Rick Santorum delivered a rousing sermon to the CPAC congregation on Friday. He was quite emotional, upset over his failed Christian Theocracy campaign for the 2012 GOP presidential nomination and his defeat in this week’s election in Rome. Mr. Santorum had done quite well in the papal primaries but lost to fellow Italian American Jorge Mario Bergoglio.

So Rick Santorum will continue doing the Lord’s work as lobbyist for spiritual advisor to America’s corporate masters. Until the next conclave or election, anyway.

 Related:

“The Pope of Pennsylvania,” Marie Burns, NY Times Examiner

“Rick Santorum’s son defeated in (class) presidential campaign,” Kristen A. Lee, New York Daily News

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Santorum Tries to Bowl Over Voters

How can you pretend to be Joe Lunchbox when you’re a highly-paid K Street lobbyist, a lawyer with an MBA and a big house in the DC suburbs? Go bowling. That’s what Rick Santorum did in Wisconsin last week. Chris Moody says that’s Rick Santorum’s idea of Spring Break. The GOP primary candidate even challenged front runner Mitt Romney to a bowl-off.

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Donald Trump Cancels GOP Reality Show

Donald Trump, celebrity casino owner, beauty pagent producer, reality TV star, and part-time wanna-be politician, canceled his upcoming Las Vegas extravaganza, a GOP presidential debate starring not one but two candidates (not counting himself). Of all the dubious contenders for the Republican nomination, only Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum signed on.

Rather than staging a two-contestant reality show, The Donald (all together now) fired himself, cancelling the production. He says he did it so he can run for president himself. We think he did it so the television audience wouldn’t learn the answer to that age-old question,”What if Donald Trump threw a party and nobody came?”

On second thought, The Donald could have augmented the debate panel with his other celebrity chums. Certainly Charlie Sheen, Paula Abdul, or Paris Hilton can match the political wisdom of Mr. Trump and the moral integrity of Mr. Gingrich.

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