Santorum Sells Catholic Cryptocurrency

CNN Political Commentator Rick Santorum, former Republican Senator and erstwhile Pope of Pennsylvania, is now on the board of a blockchain-y digital coin called Cathio, “a new payment, remittance and funding platform which provides efficient, secure, and transparent movement of funds within the Catholic world,” promising to provide a “turnkey solution for Catholic organizations to bring their financial transactions into alignment with their beliefs.” “Turnkey”? Wouldn’t that be St. Peter?

How did a Pennsylvania politico get involved with Vatican Venmo? Maybe it’s because his son-in-law is the firm’s CEO.

More:

“Rick Santorum Is a Cryptocurrency Guy Now, Apparently,” Tom Mckay, Gizmodo

“Santorum, Schlapp Shill For Catholic Crypto Coin Whose Founder Has Sketchy Past,” Josh Kovensky, TPM Muckraker

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Christian Soldier Cruz Vanquished in Indiana

Freshman Senator Ted Cruz has withdrawn from his crusade for the Republican presidential nomination after his defeat on the bloody battlefield of Indiana. “We left it all on the field,” said Mr. Cruz, after his drubbing from the steak-chomping, golf-club wielding, thrice-married Trump Creature. After a well-deserved rest, Mr. Cruz will resume the holy crusade during his grueling 3-day Senate work week.

More:

“Cruz’s sudden exit from GOP race catches supporters off guard,” Dylan Baddour and Kevin Diaz, Houston Chronicle

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Dr. Ben Carson at CPAC

Ben Carson MD addressed the Conservative Political Action Committee (CPAC) this weekend, formally announcing that his presidential campaign is definitely deceased, passed on, is no more, has ceased to be, has expired, is bereft of life, has kicked the bucket and shuffled off this mortal coil, has run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible.

Dr. Carson has accepted a job as chairman of a new group practice, the Christian Catatonic Conservative Congregation, and will urge inert evangelicals to go out and vote. And buy his books.

Santorum Crusade Commences

On Wednesday afternoon in the little Palestinian Pennsylvania town of Bethlehem Butler, a Republican savior was born. That’s right, Rick Santorum has declared that he’s running to be the 2016 GOP candidate for President.  He was accompanied by his well-heeled apostle, multi-millionaire Foster Friess.

“I’m really going to have an uphill battle ahead of me,” Mr. Santorum told the money changers in a Tuesday fundraising email, “All the way up Calvary.” Okay, maybe we imagined that last part, but the man sure felt martyred by the 2012 contest, and this Second Coming will be even more trying. This time around there are plenty of other contenders for the hearts, souls, wallets, and votes of the Theocratic Republican faithful.

Ted Cruz: The Cruzade Begins

Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) will announce that he is a candidate for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination today. The venue? Liberty University (“Training Champions for Christ since 1971“), founded by the late televangelist Jerry Falwell, not known for religious tolerance or compassion. Mr. Cruz should feel right at home. His Dad, Rafael Cruz, is a Texas evangelical pastor who makes Jerry Falwell look like Mister Rogers.

There should be a substantial crowd for the senator’s appearance at the Vines Center, since the event is a Liberty University Convocation. All LU students who live on campus are required to attend these convocations, which occur three times a week.

Rick Santorum, GOP Martyr

Evangelical Christian billionaire Foster Friess introduced Rick Santorum to the CPAC congregation as the most persecuted Tea Party Saint in the room. Mr. Santorum, former Republican senator, failed presidential candidate, and erstwhile Pope of Pennsylvania, didn’t follow that with a Sermon on the Mount. He sounded more like Jeremiah, excoriating the assembled for espousing heathen beliefs like “tolerance,” “inclusion,” “birth control,” and “helping the middle class” in futile attempts to get elected.

Mr. Santorum urged the conservative congregation to chase the moneylenders from the GOP Temple with scourge and torch. Presumably Foster Priess bought a Pennsylvania Papal Indulgence with the millions he spent on Rick Santorum’s failed 2012 presidential campaign. Rick Santorum has not ruled out another Crusade for Christian Theocracy in 2016.

More:

“The Pope of Pennsylvania,” Marie Burns, NY Times Examiner

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