New Pro Sport: Pillow Fighting

The fighters swing official two pound pillows, foam-filled and queen-sized, in nylon sailcloth cases. It’s the new sport of Professional Pillow Fighting.

More:

“Pillow fighting could be the next great combat sport – no, seriously,” Jordan Blumetti, The Guardian

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Generic DC NFL Team Renamed

DC’s NFL team shed its long-held racist name and adopted a place-holder generic name, Washington Football Team, in July 2020. It announced a new permanent name today, February 2nd, suggesting the team would be called the Washington Groundhogs. Alas, the new name is the Washington Commanders.

It’s not “Commandos,” since NFL players really should wear undies. It could have been Salamanders, since the mediocre team is owned by lizardman Dan Snyder, but no. The new logo seems to be a sort of stenciled W, since the Nats already have the cool curly one. There’s also some sort of goofy crest.

Anyway, football fans in the DC area have seven months, until the start of the 2022 season, to practice saying “How ’bout them ‘Mandos?” Probably while shaking their heads.

More:

“Washington Football Team announces Commanders as new NFL nickname,” Steve Gardner, USA Today

“Like It Or Not, the Washington Commanders Are Officially Here,” Kelyn Soong, Washington City Paper

“Washington Has A New NFL Team Name: The Commanders,” Elliot C. Williams, DCist

“Washington Commanders Is an Appropriately Boring Name,” Benjamin Hart, New York Magazine

“The Commanders name lands ‘with a thud’ for some Washington fans,” Andrew Golden, Washington Post

Updates:

“Experts Aren’t Wowed by New Commanders Branding,” Andrew Beaujon, Washingtonian

“On Capitol Hill, ex-Washington NFL employees levy new harassment claims against Daniel Snyder,” Liz Clarke, Washington Post

“The Best (and Worst) Reactions to the Washington Football Team’s New Name,” Lauren Mccaffrey and Anna Spiegel, Washingtonian

“The Rebrand Is the Least Bad Thing About the Washington Commanders,” Matt Terl, Washington City Paper

Related:

“Washington Commanders investigating sexual harassment allegation against owner,” Chloe Folmar, The Hill

“NFL says it will control investigation into Commanders owner Dan Snyder, not the team,” Jonathan Franklin, NPR News

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Renaming the Generic DC NFL Team

DC’s NFL team, having shed its long-held racist name and become the generic Washington Football Team, will announce its new name on February 2nd, which suggests the team will be know as the Washington Groundhogs.

Other name candidates include the Commanders, Admirals, Armada, Brigade, Sentinels, Defenders, Red Hogs, Presidents and “Washington Football Team.” If only they could replace Dan Snyder with a generic “Washington Football Team Owner.”

Related:

“Washington Football Team Awaits a New Name, But the Mediocrity Remains,” Matt Terl, Washington City Paper

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The NFL in DC: ‘Washington Football Team’

The DC NFL team has replaced its racist name with a generic one: “Washington Football Team.” If only they could replace Dan Snyder with a generic “Washington Football Team Owner.”

More:

“Washington NFL team to temporarily rebrand as ‘Washington Football Team.'” Orion Rummler, Axios

“NFL franchise to go by ‘Washington Football Team’ this season, delaying permanent name change,” Les Carpenter and Mark Maske, Washington Post

“Washington NFL team to use ‘Washington Football Team’ for 2020 season,” Adam Schefter, ESPN

“D.C. NFL Team To Call Itself ‘Washington Football Team’ In 2020 Until New Name Is Decided,” Jordan Pascale, DCist

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Sports Genius Trump Sends Military Cadets to the NFL

Donald Trump is a football expert. He once owned a signed Tim Tebow helmet he bought with $12,000 of his charity’s money, so that should prove it. Not only that, he’s the former owner of the failed New Jersey Generals of the US Football League. In just a few years, Mr. Trump managed to tank the entire USFL.

Not content with those pro sports triumphs, now that he’s president, Mr. Trump has ordered that sports star graduates of our country’s military academies, educated at taxpayer expense, can defer their military service until after the end of their pro sports careers, so America can be defended by worn out and injured ex-jocks. Make the NFL Great Again!

More:

“President Trump orders new policy for service academy graduates pursuing professional sports,” Ava Wallace, Washington Post

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The NFL Gun Club

Indianapolis Colts safety Joe Lefeged’s Camaro convertible sped down Central Avenue like it was the Indianapolis Speedway until it was stopped by DC police. A loaded, unregistered .40-caliber H&K pistol was found under the driver’s seat.  The New England Patriots’ Aaron Hernandez favors the Glock .40, the same model New York Jet’s Plaxico Burress used to shoot himself in the thigh back in 2008.

Mr. Lefeged is being held on gun charges in DC jail; Mr. Hernandez is charged with murder. Plaxico Burress spent two years in prison for illegal possession of a handgun and poor marksmanship reckless endangerment.

As Chattanooga reporter Mark Wiedmer says, “Remember when the two biggest names in the National Football League were Brady and Manning rather than Smith and Wesson?”

Lance Armstrong Stripped of Titles, Banned From Cycling

Lance who?

“Lance Armstrong deserves to be forgotten, says UCI,” First Post

More:

“Armstrong ‘has no place in cycling,’” Euronews

“World Cycling Body Strips Armstrong of Titles,” John Revill and Vanessa O’Connell, Wall Street Journal

“Lance Armstrong Is Stripped of His 7 Tour de France Titles,” Juliet Macur, New York Times

“Cycling’s governing body agrees to strip Lance Armstrong of his 7 Tour de France titles,” AP via Washington Post

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Image: Parody Livestrong bracelet from The Onion.

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Nike Drops Lance, Lance Drops Livestrong

“Due to the seemingly insurmountable evidence that Lance Armstrong participated in doping and misled Nike for more than a decade, it is with great sadness that we have terminated our contract with him. Nike does not condone the use of illegal performance enhancing drugs in any manner.

 Nike plans to continue support of the Livestrong initiatives created to unite, inspire and empower people affected by cancer.”

 — Nike Statement on Lance Armstrong

‘Case closed: Armstrong doped’

“The word ‘alleged’ should now be dropped from any description of the way doping permeated and enabled Lance Armstrong’s cycling career.”

“The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency’s release of its ‘reasoned decision’and staggeringly voluminous supporting documents that resulted in its move to strip Armstrong of his seven Tour de France titles and ban him from elite competition for life — charges he opted not to contest — changes all that, and rewrites Armstrong’s sporting epitaph from alleged to proven user of performance-enhancing drugs and techniques.

There is no other logical conclusion. After today, anyone who remains unconvinced simply doesn’t want to know.”

— “Case closed: Armstrong doped,” Bonnie D. Ford, ESPN.com

Related:

“Anti-Dope Testing in Sport: The History and the Science,” Larry D. Bowers, The FASEB Journal

“Lance Armstrong’s Cat-and-Mouse Game,” Eric Niiler, Discovery News

“Lance Armstrong’s Guide to Cheating a Drug Test,” Daniel Honan, Big Think

“The Lance Armstrong Foundation Celebrates 15 Years,” Livestrong.org

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Image: Parody Livestrong bracelet from The Onion. 

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