Posts Tagged ‘presidential politics’

Republicans: Welcome to Cleveland!

April 5, 2016

Republicans: Welcome to Cleveland!

The city of Cleveland is looking forward to hosting the 2016 Republican National Convention in July. The Cleveland Division of Police is buying snappy new uniforms, riot-control suits that look like samurai armor. Officers will wave hello to visitors with new 26-inch expandable steel batons with weighted tips, and 300 bicycle-riding armored cops will entertain the sidewalk throngs. Cleveland police will also decorate the streetscape with miles of interlocking steel crowd-control barriers.

Congress gave Cleveland $30 million for event security, so the Ohio town is really gearing up to greet the 50,000 visiting GOP conventioneers, including Donald Trump’s legion of goons, bikers, and KKK followers. Suburban law enforcement will lend officers to bring the Cleveland force up to 5,000, but maybe Governor Kasich can have his confetti bomber on call for emergency crowd immobilization, just in case.

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Dr. Ben Carson at CPAC

March 7, 2016

Dr. Ben Carson at CPAC

Ben Carson MD addressed the Conservative Political Action Committee (CPAC) this weekend, formally announcing that his presidential campaign is definitely deceased, passed on, is no more, has ceased to be, has expired, is bereft of life, has kicked the bucket and shuffled off this mortal coil, has run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible.

Dr. Carson has accepted a job as chairman of a new group practice, the Christian Catatonic Conservative Congregation, and will urge inert evangelicals to go out and vote. And buy his books.

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Dr. Carson Declares His Campaign Dead

March 3, 2016

Dr. Carson Declares His Campaign Dead

“I do not see a political path forward in light of last evening’s Super Tuesday primary results,” said Dr. Ben Carson, retired neurosurgeon and comatose Republican presidential contender on Wednesday. He had already decided to skip Thursday’s GOP debate in Detroit since no one noticed that he attended last week’s debate in Houston.

The political pathologists of the press haven’t completed the autopsy, but it appears the Carson campaign died of neglect. In lieu of flowers, send condolences to the campaign donors.

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The Klan Backs Trump

March 1, 2016

The Klan Backs Trump
Republican presidential contender Donald Trump had already been endorsed by the white nationalist American Freedom Party, neo-nazi Daily Stormer, and white nationalist outfits including American Renaissance, Occidental Dissent, White Genocide Project, Council of Conservative Citizens, and the League of the South, but the racist endorsement that finally got the attention of the media — and rival GOP campaigns — was the endorsement of Trump’s candidacy by David Duke, former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan. But Mr. Duke didn’t just endorse Donald Trump; he first did that last August.

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Bernie’s Spring Break

February 23, 2016

Bernie's Spring Break

Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign has been turbocharged by the energy of young people, particularly college students. But next month there’s a competing outlet for all that energy: Spring Break.

“This year’s spring break schedule clashes directly with a large swath of primaries and caucuses, a conflict that comes at the worst possible time for Sanders, who crushed his rival Hillary Clinton among young and first-time voters in the exit polls in Iowa, New Hampshire and Nevada. The Democratic race is about to enter a four-week stretch where more than half of the party’s delegates will be awarded. But as the voting gets under way, one campus after another is closing down for weeklong breaks. In all, more than half a million college students from 14 states will be on spring break at the same time that the presidential campaign train chugs onto their campuses, according to a Politico analysis of the March 5 to March 26 primary and caucus states.”

— “Bernie’s spring break blues,” Darren Samuelsohn, Politico

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Jeb Drops Out

February 21, 2016

Jeb Drops Out
John Ellis “Jeb” Bush, 3th Earl of Bush son of the 41st US president and brother of the 43rd, has suspended his campaign for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. The Republican Party establishment faces a grim choice: Hold its nose and back Rubio, pretend John Kasich can win, or move even more of its personal wealth to Cayman Island banks.

More:

“Jeb Bush never really had a chance in the 2016 presidential race,” Chris Cillizza, Washington Post

“Unforced errors and miscalculations end Bush’s White House hopes,” Steve Holland, Reuters

“Jeb Bush: The big campaign that just couldn’t,” Janelle Ross, Washington Post

“Fall of the house of Bush: how Jeb fell victim to hype, hysteria … and himself,” Sabrina Siddiqui and Adam Gabbatt, The Guardian

“The overhyped rise and spectacular fall of Jeb Bush, in 19 devastating quotes,” Becca Stanek, The Week

“Bush’s Befuddled Goodbye and the Risks of Trump Denialism,” Amy Davidson, The New Yorker

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Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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Fresh Fiorina Failure

February 11, 2016

Fresh Fiorina Failure
Carly Fiorina, the CEO who crashed Compaq and HP and laid off 30,000 employees, who campaigned for the Senate in 2010 with a herd of Demon Sheep and lost, has suspended her 2016 presidential campaign after finishing 7th in the New Hampshire GOP primary. Another failed tycoon finished first.

More:

“Fiorina Cheers Self Up by Firing Campaign Staff,” Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker
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Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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Chris Christie to Exit GOP Race?

February 10, 2016

Chris Christie to Exit GOP Race?
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is expected to suspend his presidential campaign after finishing 6th in the New Hampshire Republican Primary.  Andy Borowitz said it best: “Chris Christie Quits Race to Focus on Tormenting Rubio.”

Updates:

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie ends 2016 White House bid,” Jill Colvin, Associated Press

“Christie Leaves White House Race ‘Without An Ounce Of Regret,'” Sara Jerde, TPM Livewire

“Why Chris Christie Failed,” Nate Silver, Vox

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Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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Ted Cruz Vanquishes New York Values in Iowa

February 2, 2016

Ted Cruz Vanquishes New York Values in Iowa
In the Republican melee in Iowa yesterday, Holy Warrior Ted Cruz drew first blood, besting Plumed Knight Donald Trump, with Marco Rubio nipping at Mr. Trump’s rump. “New York values” didn’t play so well in farm country.

“Fighting Preacher” Mike Huckabee has withdrawn from the field of battle, and Doctor Ben Carson is missing in action after looking for a laudromat. The surviving GOP combatants move their conflict east to New Hampshire next week.

More:

“Cruz Says ‘New York Values’ Attack Led To Victory Over Trump In Iowa,” Sara Jerde, TPM Livewire

“Cruz Victory Gives Hope To Despised People Everywhere,” Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

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Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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Iowa Matters. For a Day. Every 4 Years.

February 1, 2016

Iowa Matters. For a Day. Every 4 Years.

Tonight in Iowa, citizens will gather in hundreds of little groups to determine which Presidential candidate they would prefer as a drinking buddy (note: Trump doesn’t drink). The Iowa Caucus process has not changed much over the years except for the inclusion of computers, womenfolk, and voters with dark complexions (if the latter can be found in Iowa).

The caucus process is simple: At 7 PM Central Time, adult Iowa citizens show up at the church basement, roller rink, farmhouse, or pork-packing plant designated as the local caucus site by state Republican and Democratic parties. Republican attendees display their GOP tattoos at the door; those without them must get marked-up before Monday night. Candidate adherents rant, threaten, and cajole. For Republicans, secret balloting follows, then local caucus hosts have their grandchildren use laptop computers to enter the voting results, which are transmitted through the cloud to Iowa GOP Central Command, located in an empty grain elevator at an undisclosed location in Sioux County.

Iowa Democrats use a different system. At every local caucus they huddle in groups backing each candidate. Any group with less than 15 members is deemed “non-viable” and dissolved, and its members scatter to back other candidates. When the music stops the biggest group wins, but only the jammers can score. Caucus hosts enter results into a Microsoft program; after it freezes up, they re-boot their laptops and re-enter the data, which is collated in the cloud and certified at Iowa Democratic Party HQ, i.e. a Starbucks in the East Village neighborhood of Des Moines (free WiFi!).

After precinct caucuses finally end, winners of each party caucus are confirmed and announced, runners-up are crowned Miss Popularity, and losers and their surrogates begin the arduous spin cycle. In November the names of the caucus winners are put on the Iowa ballot  and voters elect someone else as President.

God Bless America.

More:

“How The Iowa Democratic Caucus Works, Featuring Legos,” Taylor Dobbs and Angela Evancie, Vermont Public Radio

“Why do the Iowa caucuses matter? Because everyone thinks they do.”Andrew Prokop, Vox

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Image by Mike Licht (who knows those are Okies). Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not boring or obscene. Comments may be edited for clarity and length.

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