The Cuyahoga Burns Again

In keeping with Ohio’s MAGA nostalgia craze, the state’s Cuyahoga River caught fire again last week, for the 14th time. The waterway’s last big blaze was in 1969. At that fire’s 50th anniversary last year, fish from the Cuyahoga were declared safe to eat. This year’s fish must be self-broiling.

More:

“51 Years Later, the Cuyahoga River Burns Again,” Wes Siler, Outside Magazine

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John Kasich does … something-or-other. Who?

Ohio Governor John Kasich (this guy) has suspended his secret campaign for the Republican Presidential candidacy. Mr. Kasich ran on a platform of being more nondescript and less hated than the other guys.

More:

“The Long, Weird Kasich Campaign Gives In To Reality,” Harry Enten, FiveThirtyEight

Kasich for America website. Click, before it melts.

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Republicans: Welcome to Cleveland!

The city of Cleveland is looking forward to hosting the 2016 Republican National Convention in July. The Cleveland Division of Police is buying snappy new uniforms, riot-control suits that look like samurai armor. Officers will wave hello to visitors with new 26-inch expandable steel batons with weighted tips, and 300 bicycle-riding armored cops will entertain the sidewalk throngs. Cleveland police will also decorate the streetscape with miles of interlocking steel crowd-control barriers.

Congress gave Cleveland $30 million for event security, so the Ohio town is really gearing up to greet the 50,000 visiting GOP conventioneers, including Donald Trump’s legion of goons, bikers, and KKK followers. Suburban law enforcement will lend officers to bring the Cleveland force up to 5,000, but maybe Governor Kasich can have his confetti bomber on call for emergency crowd immobilization, just in case.

Boehner: ‘Bye-Bye. Sniff.’

After speaking with Pope Francis this week, House Speaker John Boehner (R, OH – 8) resigned. His Holiness only needs one more miracle to become a saint.

Seriously, Mr. Boehner gets major props for the pontiff’s visit to Congress, and he’ll go out on that high note. And there’s an understanding that his resignation means Congress won’t shut down the Federal Government on October 1st over … something-or-other.

John Boehner leaves the Speakership  — and Congress — at the end of October. House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R, CA-23) seems a shoo-in to replace him; expect a Republican roughhouse brawl to replace McCarthy as Majority Leader. Ohio Governor John Kasich will decide on the date of a special election to fill Mr. Boehner’s 8th District congressional seat.

Toledo: Don’t Drink the Water

Residents of Toledo and environs, all 500,000 of them, have been warned not to drink or or wash with their tap water. The region’s water treatment plant found microcystin, a toxin that can cause nausea and liver damage. Boiling the water only concentrates the toxin. The source of the poison is a blue-green algae bloom on the west side of Lake Erie, thought to be caused by excessive phosphorous from agricultural runoff.

More:

“Water crisis grips hundreds of thousands in Toledo area, state of emergency declared,” Tom Henry, Toledo Blade

“A toxic algae scare has left 500,000 people in Ohio without drinking water,” Brad Plumer , Vox

“7 Things You Need To Know About The Toxin That’s Poisoned Ohio’s Drinking Water,” Emily Atkin, Think Progress

“Cyanobacteria and Cyanotoxins: Information for Drinking Water Systems, EPA Office of Water

Ohio Victory for Not-Joe the Non-Plumber

Joe the Plumber has won the Republican nomination for Ohio’s 9th District  Congressional race, narrowly defeating an opponent with a more impressive resume by outspending him 6-to-1. Loser Steve Kraus is an auctioneer, a veteran of the U.S. Air Force and the Christian Coalition, a college graduate, an engineer, and a real estate agent.

You may remember Joe the Plumber. His name isn’t really Joe and he isn’t really a plumber, but he became famous in 2008 for asking presidential candidate Barack Obama questions and pretending to be in a tax bracket much higher than his own. Since then, Samuel Joseph “Joe” Wurzelbacher campaigned for failed presidential candidate John McCain and failed as both author and Internet foreign correspondent.

J the P @ CPAC

Republican celebrity Joe the Plumber, who isn’t a licensed plumber and whose name is really Sam, seeks the trust of the people of Ohio. He says he wants to run for Congress there, so naturally he’s campaigning in Washington DC. He’s at CPAC, the Conservative Political Action Conference. Of course, nobody cares. And by “nobody,” we mean Herman Cain.

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Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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Joe The Plumber, Congressman?

Ohio’s Joe the Plumber may challenge Rep. Marcy Kaptur (D, OH-9) in the 2012 election. You may remember him. His name isn’t really Joe, and he isn’t really a plumber, but he became famous in 2008 for asking presidential candidate Barack Obama questions about a tax bracket actually much higher than his own. Since then, Samuel Joseph “Joe” Wurzelbacher campaigned for failed presidential candidate John McCain and failed as both author and Internet foreign correspondent.

Joe’s book, like his biography and politics, is fiction. His political aspirations, however, are real — his greatest accomplishment to date is his recent election as one of only 400 Republican Party committee members in Ohio’s Lucas County (37,258 registered Republicans).