Forget Ukraine, Now Newt is Really Shook Up

If you think disgraced former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich was upset over Russia threatening Ukraine, just wait. Vladimir Putin is about to crush the failed Republican presidential hopeful’s other dream. Russia plans to colonize the Moon, ending Newt’s lifetime quest to become lunar colony governor.

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Image (“Goodnight Newt, after Clement Hurd”) by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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Grandiose Gingrich, Cheap

Failed Republican presidential candidate and disgraced former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is known for his deep thoughts, and he’ll share them with you at bargain-basement rates. Mr. Gingrich has cut his speaking fees from $60,000 to $25,000. Earlier this year the health care policy think tank he founded declared bankruptcy. “While health-care costs have bankrupted many without insurance, Gingrich may be the first to go broke studying health-care delivery,” observed University of Georgia professor Charles S. Bullock III. Mr. Gingrich’s other think tank, American Solutions for Winning the Future, shut down last year.

It’s almost enough to make you believe the Invisible Hand of the Market belongs to a just God.

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Newt’s Campaign Memento: $4 Million Debt

Disgraced former Speaker of the House Gingrich has a memorable souvenir from his failed presidential run: a $4.3 million campaign debt. He may be withholding an endorsement of presumptive Republican candidate Mitt Romney until the millionaire Mr. Romney bails him out and pays off the debt out of his pocket change.

Albert Hunt of Bloomberg News wrote the last word on the Newt Gingrich campaign:

“He seemed more intent on creating a cult than a campaign. He failed at both.”

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Goodnight, Newt

Despite winning a phenomenal total of two entire state primaries, disgraced former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich has suspended his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination. No word if he will resume his quest to become lunar colony governor.

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Image (“Moon over Miami, after Clement Hurd”) by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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Gingrich Loses Secret Service Detail

The half-baked presidential campaign of Newt Gingrich lost its Secret Service protection Thursday night. That’s a shame, since Mr. Gingrich shares many interests with Secret Service agents, like philandering.

Newt Gingrich isn’t upset with losing his costly, publicly funded security. He’s still got something much more important to him: press coverage. Three reporters continue to chase his deflating-balloon of a campaign. As press assignments go, it’s more pleasant than most death-watch stakeouts.

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When Penguins Attack!

While alleged Republican presidential candidate and disgraced former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich was in St. Louis pandering to the Gun Lobby, he visited the local zoo, as is his wont. He loves wild creatures, but apparently the feeling is not mutual. Mr. Gingrich was attacked by at least one savage Magellanic penguin (Spheniscus magellanicus), a fierce South American breed that stands a towering 24 inches tall and weighs a hefty dozen pounds, a mere 300 200 pounds less than Mr. Gingrich. We cannot confirm the rumor that the attacker was wrestled to the ground by an enraged Callista Gingrich.

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Gingrich Think Tank Goes Bankrupt

Republican presidential candidate and disgraced former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, known for his deep thoughts, founded a health care policy think tank. The think tank just declared bankruptcy.  “While health-care costs have bankrupted many without insurance, Gingrich may be the first to go broke studying health-care delivery,” observed University of Georgia professor Charles S. Bullock III.

Gingrich Battles in Gulf Coast and Lunar Primaries

Disgraced former Speaker Newt Gingrich is vying for Intergalactic Republican Supremacy in Tuesday’s primary battle for Truth, Justice, Adultery and the American Way. “America has a destiny in space,” Mr. Gingrich bravely told a crowd of aerospace engineers at the U.S. Space and Rocket Center in Huntsville. No odds on what he dealt out to casino workers in Biloxi.

Gingrich Craps Out

Newton Leroy Gingrich, disgraced former Speaker of the House, lost the Nevada Republican Presidential Caucus on Saturday, a crap shoot won by Mitt Romney. The campaign of High Roller Gingrich is now $600,000 in debt.

Nevada draws 50 million tourists a year with its two famed industries, whores and gambling. Sadly for Mr. Gingrich, he’s losing the backing of Nevada casino owner Sheldon Adelson, and Nevada’s prostitutes voted for Ron Paul.

Related:

“Gingrich Backer Sheldon Adelson Faces Questions About Chinese Business Affairs,” Steve Huff, New York Observer

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Newt: Every Student Must Work, Like I Didn’t

Newt Gingrich, disgraced former Speaker of the House, is running for U.S. President, and he has a unique education platform. After poor children finish cleaning school toilets and graduate from high school, they can work their way through college, too. If the nation repealed those pesky child labor laws, it could rid itself of over-paid unionized school janitors and government-subsidized loans for coddled, lazy college students, too. right?