Canada Bans Marmite

Canada has banned imports of Marmite – not because it’s made from British brewery waste, but because it’s artificially fortified with vitamins to back up dubious health claims, and food spreads in Canada aren’t allowed such fortification.

The stuff was imported by Brit Foods, a Canadian retailer specializing in British comestibles. The yeasty brown gunk is an iconic UK product, a cherished symbol of the Empire to which Canada once belonged. We have not been able to determine if the Marmite ban endangers Canada’s membership in the Commonwealth.

To avoid the appearance of favoritism in the upcoming independence referendum, Canada also banned imports of Scotland’s Irn-Bru, a ghastly orange-colored soft drink and symbol of modern Scottish identity. That color is supplied by Ponceau 4R, a pigment derived from coal tar which, unlike clubbing baby seals to death, is prohibited in the Great White North.

Something Rotten is Banned in Denmark

Denmark has banned Marmite — not because it’s made from British brewery waste, but because it’s artificially fortified with vitamins to back up dubious health claims. Danish authorities have also banned Ovaltine,  Special K, and Rice Krispies for the same reason.

Denmark’s reasons don’t matter in the UK, where the yeasty brown gunk is an iconic product, a cherished symbol of the Empire. The British are responding with anger if not fury.