Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Turkey Torching Tips for Real Guys

November 23, 2016

Turkey Torching Tips for Real Guys

The National Fire Protection Association claims “turkey fryers that use oil, as currently designed, are not suitable for acceptably safe use by even a well-informed and careful consumer.” Wimps! Thursday is Thanksgiving, when we give thanks for college football and a four-day weekend. That’s when Real American Men generate Code Orange air quality by incinerating poultry on the patio. Yeah, buddy!

Any pantywaist can cook on those SUV-sized natural gas, propane, electric, or gelignite-powered barbecue grills with all those fancy features (good subwoofers can help spread sauce evenly, though). Nah, let’s get ready to deep-fry us some turkey. Here’s how:

1. Put Fire Department on Speed-Dial. Keep your cell phone in your welding apron pocket. It is unwise to enter a flaming residence to use the telephone.

2. Purchase more equipment. You can never have enough Real Guy outdoor cooking gear. Buy some new stuff at Home Depot first. Forget about those electronic gizmos from Leading Edge, you can never read their LCD screens outdoors anyway. Williams-Sonoma? Isn’t that the California wine the wife likes?

3. Don’t forget the turkey. It should be big enough to bother messing with. Double-check to make sure you are not buying a goat or lamb.

4. Check interior compartment of poultry (note: light does not go on automatically; use your Maglite). Any paper-wrapped parcels inside will not contain Surprise Creme Filling. Remove; give to wife or cat. If the bird is frozen, use your Benz-0-Matic torch judiciously or the meat will be dry. At this point you may marinate the turkey in any fluid mixture as long as it contains beer.

5. Equipment check list. This will vary but should definitely include safety equipment (welding apron, Kevlar™ gloves, safety glasses, fire extinguisher, cell phone, well-stocked beer cooler or full beer keg with ice), fire ignition tools (lighting chimney, matches, butane torch,  highway flares, flamethrower, etc.), food manipulating tools (tongs, skewers, forks, knives, pneumatic jack), cooking implements (meat thermometer, meat hygrometer, count-down timer, 55-gallon deep-fry container, perforated deep-fry container insert with turkey stand and handle, caulking gun for stuffing insertion, brushes, sprayguns, and hypodermic needles for applying sauce, tattoo gun for decorations, crane), deep-fry medium (vegetable oil is better than animal fat; Marvel Mystery Oil is not recommended), sauces, rubs, marinades, condiments, spices, and essential vegetables (potato salad, cole slaw, ketchup). Anything missing? See Step #2. Got everything? Cheers! Begin beer consumption.

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A Pill for All Your Needs

October 9, 2016

“With this groundbreaking, clinically proven treatment, you can simply sit back, relax, and let your mind do the rest.”

Directed by Elizabeth McDonough and Myles Kane; written by Elizabeth McDonough and Kate McManus.

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Short Link: http://wp.me/p6sb6-o7L

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Sully: Hollywood Praises Bird Murderer!

September 16, 2016

Sully: Hollywood Praises Bird Murderer!

Pilot Chesley Burnett “Sully” Sullenberger III, infamous for a 2009 airborne goose slaughtering episode, is celebrated in a new movie directed by Clint Eastwood, who began his career portraying Rowdy Yates, a man who drove thousands of helpless cows to their deaths.

Vegans will want to give this flick a pass.

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Shortlink: http://wp.me/p6sb6-ovp

Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not obscene. Comments may be edited for clarity and length.

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One Piece At A Time

September 3, 2016

“One Piece At A Time,” written by Wayne Kemp, a number 1 country hit for Johnny Cash and the Tennessee Three in 1976. Someone really assembled a car like the one in the song, and it’s in the Johnny Cash Museum.

“Well, I left Kentucky back in forty nine
An’ went to Detroit workin’ on a ‘sembly line
The first year they had me puttin’ wheels on Cadillacs”

Lyrics here

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Short link: http://wp.me/p6sb6-nKS

Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not boring or obscene. Comments may be edited for clarity and length.

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On the Banks of the Mighty Gowanus

August 13, 2016

“Tale of the Brooklyn River Maiden,” featuring Rachel Wenitsky and Ned Riseley. Video directed by David Sidorov.

Note: Brooklyn’s Gowanus Canal is an EPA Superfund site.

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Short Link: http://wp.me/p6sb6-o7H

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Historically Accurate Disney Princess Song

June 25, 2016

“Historically Accurate Disney Princess Song,” written by Rachel Bloom and performed by Ms. Bloom and Jack Dolgen. Arranged by Jerome Kurtenbach; animated by Norm Scott.

Related:

“The Problem With Disney Princesses,” Tom Jacobs, Pacific Standard

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Short link: http://wp.me/p6sb6-o2p

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NASA’s Bouncy Castle in Space Stays Flat

May 27, 2016

Bouncy Castle in Space!

Last month NASA sent an inflatable room — the Bigelow Expandable Activity Module or BEAM — into space via SpaceX as a home improvement for the International Space Station’s Tranquility Module. Like many home improvement projects, all did not go according to plan, and yesterday the big balloon didn’t inflate worth a damn. Perhaps a Rubbermaid garden shed will do? Home Depot is open until 10 tonight.

More:

“The ISS’s New Space Module Fails Its First Inflation Attempt,” Emma Grey Ellis, Wired

“ISS controllers defer BEAM module expansion,” Pete Harding, NASASpaceFlight.com

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Short link: http://wp.me/p6sb6-nUW

Image (“BEAM deployed – artist concept”) by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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The Macaroons of Moses

April 22, 2016

The Macaroons of Moses
Tonight many Jewish families hold the Seder, the ritual meal celebrating the holiday of Passover. Many Americans are unfamiliar with the customs of this dinner, such as recounting the Exodus story as told in the ancient Maxwell House Haggadah and the obligation to drink four glasses of wine (oh, the sacrifices …).

One seasonal custom puzzling to Gentiles is the appearance of canned Kosher cookies in American supermarkets. Many Jews are puzzled as well, since the cookies are macaroons made with coconut, chocolate, and other ingredients not prominent in the Old Testament.

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Les pyramides d’Égypte

April 17, 2016

“Les pyramides d’Égypte,” directed by Corentin Charron, Lise Corriol, Olivier Lafay, and Nicolas Mrikhi. Music: Kalina Świątnicka. No camels were harmed in the making of this animation.

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Short link: http://wp.me/p6sb6-n4D

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Raiders of the Lost Ark, 1951

April 3, 2016

“Raiders of the Lost Ark” premake by Ivan Guerrero.

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Short link: http://wp.me/p6sb6-n7Z

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