Posts Tagged ‘humor’

I Want Eddie Fisher for Christmas

December 24, 2014

“I Want Eddie Fisher for Christmas,” written by Joan Javitz (Javits) and Phil Springer, the pair who wrote “Santa Baby.” Recorded by Betty Johnson in 1954.

Eddie Fisher was a dreamy pop idol of the 1950s, Carrie Fisher‘s dad.

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There’s a Santa That Looks a Lot Like Elvis

December 23, 2014

“There’s a Santa that looks a lot like Elvis,” a Bob Rivers parody of Meredith Willson‘s “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas,” sung in a Bing Crosby sound-alike voice. Crooner Crosby had a hit with the tune in 1951.

Young people: Elvis Presley was a popular vocalist back in the last century. In his later years he … um, filled out a bit from eating deep-fried peanut butter-jelly-and-bacon sandwiches, and weighed 350 pounds at his death in 1977. Of course, your grandma might not think he’s dead.

Bob Rivers recordings.

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I’m Gettin Nuttin’ for Christmas

December 23, 2014

“I’m Gettin Nuttin’ for Christmas,” a novelty song written by Sid Tepper and Roy C. Bennett, recorded by Spike Jones and his City Slickers. The team of Tepper and Bennett wrote nearly 300 songs between 1945 and 1970, and they were recorded by artists from Guy Lombardo to Elvis.

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Turkey Carving Tips for Real Guys

November 24, 2014

Turkey Carving Tips for Real Guys
Oh no! Despite reading Turkey Torching Tips for Guys you have a great big, fully cooked, deep-fried Thanksgiving turkey on your hands. You examine it minutely and discover there’s no little red zip tab to open so you can take out slices. What now?

That’s some big old avian cadaver you got there, buddy. There’s only one manly way to divvy it up. That’s right: chainsaw.

Step 1: De-grease the chain and call the manufacturer to see if you can safely spray it with Pam or a similar food-grade lubricant. Use a clean bedsheet as a dropcloth to gather the “sawdust” for making turkey salad.

Step 2: Observe all chainsaw safety rules, including use of protective eyewear. Imagine having to answer the question “Hey, what happened to your eye?”

Step 3: Start ‘er up. Slice away. Man, that sounds great!

Step 4: Clean out your Shopvac; use it to remove pulverized turkey shreds from the bedsheet drop-cloth before sneaking the linen into the laundry hamper. This may save your marriage. Reserve meat shreds for turkey salad.

Step 5: Chow down, dude!

Remember: Clean the saw completely before using it to prepare the winter woodpile or those goofy lawn sculptures.

Disclaimer:The above is provided for amusement, not actual cooking. Chainsaws have been known to malfunction when used on small objects and/or soft matter. NotionsCapital is not responsible for interpretations by the humor-impaired, mentally challenged, or emotionally disturbed. If English is not your native tongue, please ignore this post. Yes, we are aware that people are injured while improperly using chainsaws, so keep it to yourself. Jeez, what a country.

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Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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Turkey Torching Tips for Guys

November 23, 2014

Turkey Torching Tips for Guys
The National Fire Protection Association claims “turkey fryers that use oil, as currently designed, are not suitable for acceptably safe use by even a well-informed and careful consumer.” Wimps! Thursday is Thanksgiving, when we give thanks for college football and a four-day weekend. That’s when Real American Men generate Code Orange air quality by incinerating poultry on the patio. Yeah, buddy!

Any pantywaist can cook on those SUV-sized natural gas, propane, electric, or gelignite-powered barbecue grills with all those fancy features (good subwoofers can help spread sauce evenly, though). Nah, let’s get ready to deep-fry us some turkey. Here’s how:

1. Put Fire Department on Speed-Dial. Keep your cell phone in your welding apron pocket. It is unwise to enter a flaming residence to use the telephone.

2. Purchase more equipment. You can never have enough Real Guy outdoor cooking gear. Buy some new stuff at Home Depot first. Forget about those electronic gizmos from Leading Edge, you can never read their LCD screens outdoors anyway. Williams-Sonoma? Isn’t that the California wine the wife likes?

3. Don’t forget the turkey. It should be big enough to bother messing with. Double-check to make sure you are not buying a goat or lamb.

4. Check interior compartment of poultry (note: light does not go on automatically; use your Maglite). Any paper-wrapped parcels inside will not contain Surprise Creme Filling. Remove; give to wife or cat. If the bird is frozen, use your Benz-0-Matic torch judiciously or the meat will be dry. At this point you may marinate the turkey in any fluid mixture as long as it contains beer.

5. Equipment check list. This will vary but should definitely include safety equipment (welding apron, Kevlar™ gloves, safety glasses, fire extinguisher, cell phone, well-stocked beer cooler or full beer keg with ice), fire ignition tools (lighting chimney, matches, butane torch,  highway flares, flamethrower, etc.), food manipulating tools (tongs, skewers, forks, knives, pneumatic jack), cooking implements (meat thermometer, meat hygrometer, count-down timer, 55-gallon deep-fry container, perforated deep-fry container insert with turkey stand and handle, caulking gun for stuffing insertion, brushes, sprayguns, and hypodermic needles for applying sauce, tattoo gun for decorations, crane), deep-fry medium (vegetable oil is better than animal fat; Marvel Mystery Oil is not recommended), sauces, rubs, marinades, condiments, spices, and essential vegetables (potato salad, cole slaw, ketchup). Anything missing? See Step #2. Got everything? Cheers! Begin beer consumption.

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Enjoy It While It Lasts, White Folks ….

October 6, 2014

This week’s Saturday Night Live included a “public service announcement” (above) reminding white people that they won’t be in the majority for long, so they better enjoy the “final few years of white dominance” while they can.

On a less humorous note:

“Soon to become a minority in the US, whites express declining support for diversity, psychology study finds,” Stuart Wolpert, Phys.org

“Whites think discrimination against whites is a bigger problem than bias against blacks,” Michael A. Fletcher, Washington Post

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Happy Birthday Smokey Bear

August 9, 2014

Happy Birthday Smokey Bear

Smokey Bear is 70 years old today. Careful with his cake — that’s a lot of candles.

The old geezer has kept up, though, so you can send him best wishes through Facebook,  Instagram, or Twitter.

More:

“Smokey Bear to celebrate 70th birthday, with no plans on retiring,” Emily Wickwire NBC Today

 “Smokey Bear, Iconic Symbol of Wildfire Prevention, Still Going Strong at 70,” Kathryn Sosbe, USDA blog

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Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here.Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not boring or obscene. Comments may be edited for clarity and length.

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Taxi!

July 15, 2014

Taxi!

 

Hari Kondabolu talks about Race:

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Take It to the Bridge, Jersey-Style

January 16, 2014

More:

“Bruce Springsteen joins Jimmy Fallon for ‘traffic jam’ parody song about Chris Christie bridge scandal,” Chiderah Monde, New York Daily News

“Blunder Road: Springsteen Runs Over Christie,” John Cassidy, New Yorker blog

“Christie and Springsteen: A Tale of Devotion, and a Very Public Snub,” Marc Santorajan, New York Times

Related:

“Jersey Boys,” Jeffrey Goldberg, The Atlantic

“Was Born to Run Almost the Official New Jersey State Song?” WelcomeToAsburyPark.com

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Sled Zeppelin

December 31, 2013

“Sled Zeppelin,” written by Bob Rivers, based on the song “D’yer Mak’er” by Led Zeppelin.

Bob Rivers Presents More Twisted Christmas (1997)

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Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not boring or obscene. Comments may be edited for clarity and length.

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