Posts Tagged ‘holidays’

Turkey Torching Tips for Real Guys

November 23, 2016

Turkey Torching Tips for Real Guys

The National Fire Protection Association claims “turkey fryers that use oil, as currently designed, are not suitable for acceptably safe use by even a well-informed and careful consumer.” Wimps! Thursday is Thanksgiving, when we give thanks for college football and a four-day weekend. That’s when Real American Men generate Code Orange air quality by incinerating poultry on the patio. Yeah, buddy!

Any pantywaist can cook on those SUV-sized natural gas, propane, electric, or gelignite-powered barbecue grills with all those fancy features (good subwoofers can help spread sauce evenly, though). Nah, let’s get ready to deep-fry us some turkey. Here’s how:

1. Put Fire Department on Speed-Dial. Keep your cell phone in your welding apron pocket. It is unwise to enter a flaming residence to use the telephone.

2. Purchase more equipment. You can never have enough Real Guy outdoor cooking gear. Buy some new stuff at Home Depot first. Forget about those electronic gizmos from Leading Edge, you can never read their LCD screens outdoors anyway. Williams-Sonoma? Isn’t that the California wine the wife likes?

3. Don’t forget the turkey. It should be big enough to bother messing with. Double-check to make sure you are not buying a goat or lamb.

4. Check interior compartment of poultry (note: light does not go on automatically; use your Maglite). Any paper-wrapped parcels inside will not contain Surprise Creme Filling. Remove; give to wife or cat. If the bird is frozen, use your Benz-0-Matic torch judiciously or the meat will be dry. At this point you may marinate the turkey in any fluid mixture as long as it contains beer.

5. Equipment check list. This will vary but should definitely include safety equipment (welding apron, Kevlar™ gloves, safety glasses, fire extinguisher, cell phone, well-stocked beer cooler or full beer keg with ice), fire ignition tools (lighting chimney, matches, butane torch,  highway flares, flamethrower, etc.), food manipulating tools (tongs, skewers, forks, knives, pneumatic jack), cooking implements (meat thermometer, meat hygrometer, count-down timer, 55-gallon deep-fry container, perforated deep-fry container insert with turkey stand and handle, caulking gun for stuffing insertion, brushes, sprayguns, and hypodermic needles for applying sauce, tattoo gun for decorations, crane), deep-fry medium (vegetable oil is better than animal fat; Marvel Mystery Oil is not recommended), sauces, rubs, marinades, condiments, spices, and essential vegetables (potato salad, cole slaw, ketchup). Anything missing? See Step #2. Got everything? Cheers! Begin beer consumption.

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Pizza, a Thanksgiving Tradition

November 22, 2016

Pizza, a Thanksgiving Tradition

Fun Food Fact: The day before Thanksgiving is one of the busiest days for take-out pizza, right up there with Super Bowl Sunday.

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Image (“First Fun Thanksgiving, after J.L.G. Ferris [detail]“) by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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Armistice Day

November 11, 2016

Armistice Day

This is Veterans Day in the United States. It was originally named Armistice Day and commemorated the time the agreement to stop The Great War was signed, at the eleventh hour on the eleventh day of the eleventh month of 1918. After World War I failed to be The War to End All Wars, the U.S. observance was officially renamed Veterans Day in 1954, probably because veterans vote and dead WWI soldiers don’t, and we already have Memorial Day. Britain still commemorates the WWI Armistice and those who died to achieve it, and today is known as Remembrance Day in Commonwealth nations.

More:

“History of Veterans Day,” U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs

“A day by many names, celebrated all the same,” Jason Duhr, Stars and Stripes

“Why Veterans Day is often confused with Memorial Day,” Valerie Strauss, Washington Post

“Veterans Day is a prayer for peace,” Joe Sacco and Adam Hochschild, Tom Dispatch via Salon

“Why doesn’t the US observe Armistice Day? We’re more comfortable with war than peace,” Rory Fannin, The Guardian

“Veterans Day should actually be about serving veterans,” Libby Nelson, Vox

“Honor Veterans By Considering Revival of National Service,” Ed Kilgore, Washington Monthly blog

“Recent Veterans Still Struggle To Find Work,” Ben Casselman,FiveThirtyEight

“Why do so many female veterans struggle to find work?” Kelly Wallace, CNN

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Feed My Frankenstein

October 31, 2016

Feed My Frankenstein, originally recorded by Alice Cooper, performed here by Beasto Blanco.

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Nobody Likes You When You’re Dead

October 31, 2016

“Nobody Likes You When You’re Dead,”  Zombina and the Skeletones –

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Ghosts

October 31, 2016

Ghosts,” written by Michael Jackson and Teddy Riley, performed by Michael Jackson.

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Season of the Witch

October 31, 2016

“Season of the Witch,” written by Donovan, recorded by Vanilla Fudge.

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Hex Girls

October 31, 2016

“Hex Girls,” by the Hex Girls (Jennifer Hale, Jane Wiedlin, and Kimberly Brooks), from Scooby-Doo and the Witch’s Ghost.
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Pet Sematary

October 31, 2016

“Pet Sematary,” by the Ramones. Composed by Dee Dee Ramone and Daniel Rey; lyrics by Stephen King. Video filmed in the Sleepy Hollow Cemetery.

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Black Magic Woman

October 31, 2016

“Black Magic Woman,”  written by Peter Green, recorded by Fleetwood Mac in 1968.

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