Trump Triumphant

Republican Newt Gingrich, disgraced former Speaker of the House and noted animal lover, spoke with CBN’s David Brody about next month’s GOP National Convention in Cleveland:

“We have no idea what a Donald Trump convention will be like. I would not be shocked to see him ride in on Thursday night on an elephant. Who knows?”

More:

“Gingrich wouldn’t be surprised to see Trump enter convention on elephant,” Rebecca Savransky, The Hill

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Top image (“Trump Triumphant in Cleveland, after an 1885 Varanasi painting”) by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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Forget Ukraine, Now Newt is Really Shook Up

If you think disgraced former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich was upset over Russia threatening Ukraine, just wait. Vladimir Putin is about to crush the failed Republican presidential hopeful’s other dream. Russia plans to colonize the Moon, ending Newt’s lifetime quest to become lunar colony governor.

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Image (“Goodnight Newt, after Clement Hurd”) by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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Newt Gingrich and His Pocket Communicator

Newt Gingrich, disgraced  former Speaker of the House and future Moon Colony Governor, is baffled by the nomenclature for his … pocket communicator device thingy. It’s a pager, a Personal Digital Assistant, a GPS, a Gameboy, an Email Appliance, a Walkman, a camera, and a can opener telephone, all in one — and it fits in your pocket!

Mr. Gingrich is the leading intellectual of the Republican Party and its chief (perhaps only) Futurist. So what should he call this miraculous machine?

Defense of Marriage 2013

“I’m glad to see Newt Gingrich holding fast to his position that marriage is between one man and one woman … after another.”

Mark Kleiman, “Portman and Gay Marriage,” Washington Monthly blog

Related:

“Newt Gingrich, Thrice Married Adulterer, Calls for Constitutional Amendment to Protect Marriage,” Steven Thrasher, Village Voice

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Image (“Gingrich Family Values”) by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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Moon Man Newt on Romney Campaign

The Romney-Ryan ticket received a grudging endorsement from a Republican heavyweight, the disgraced ex-Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich.  Of course, Mr. Gingrich also endorsed “Legitimate Rape” train wreck Todd Akin.

Actually, Newt Gingrich endorsed the Romney space plan— half-way, anyway. It seems he’s still angling for a job as Governor of the Moon.

Related:

“Is moon base really the ‘weirdest’ Newt Gingrich idea? Maybe not.” Peter Grier, Christian Science Monitor

“Newt Gingrich’s Fantasy Campaign—and the Fictions That Gave Rise to It,” Jeet Heer, The Atlantic

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Grandiose Gingrich, Cheap

Failed Republican presidential candidate and disgraced former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is known for his deep thoughts, and he’ll share them with you at bargain-basement rates. Mr. Gingrich has cut his speaking fees from $60,000 to $25,000. Earlier this year the health care policy think tank he founded declared bankruptcy. “While health-care costs have bankrupted many without insurance, Gingrich may be the first to go broke studying health-care delivery,” observed University of Georgia professor Charles S. Bullock III. Mr. Gingrich’s other think tank, American Solutions for Winning the Future, shut down last year.

It’s almost enough to make you believe the Invisible Hand of the Market belongs to a just God.

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Newt’s Campaign Memento: $4 Million Debt

Disgraced former Speaker of the House Gingrich has a memorable souvenir from his failed presidential run: a $4.3 million campaign debt. He may be withholding an endorsement of presumptive Republican candidate Mitt Romney until the millionaire Mr. Romney bails him out and pays off the debt out of his pocket change.

Albert Hunt of Bloomberg News wrote the last word on the Newt Gingrich campaign:

“He seemed more intent on creating a cult than a campaign. He failed at both.”

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Goodnight, Newt

Despite winning a phenomenal total of two entire state primaries, disgraced former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich has suspended his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination. No word if he will resume his quest to become lunar colony governor.

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Image (“Moon over Miami, after Clement Hurd”) by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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Gingrich Loses Secret Service Detail

The half-baked presidential campaign of Newt Gingrich lost its Secret Service protection Thursday night. That’s a shame, since Mr. Gingrich shares many interests with Secret Service agents, like philandering.

Newt Gingrich isn’t upset with losing his costly, publicly funded security. He’s still got something much more important to him: press coverage. Three reporters continue to chase his deflating-balloon of a campaign. As press assignments go, it’s more pleasant than most death-watch stakeouts.

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When Penguins Attack!

While alleged Republican presidential candidate and disgraced former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich was in St. Louis pandering to the Gun Lobby, he visited the local zoo, as is his wont. He loves wild creatures, but apparently the feeling is not mutual. Mr. Gingrich was attacked by at least one savage Magellanic penguin (Spheniscus magellanicus), a fierce South American breed that stands a towering 24 inches tall and weighs a hefty dozen pounds, a mere 300 200 pounds less than Mr. Gingrich. We cannot confirm the rumor that the attacker was wrestled to the ground by an enraged Callista Gingrich.

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