Posts Tagged ‘collapse of civilization’

Commencement Address, Class of 2020

May 22, 2020

Felicitations! Greetings to all of you joining us today on Zoom (and later on YouTube) on this glorious occasion! Graduates of the Class of 2020, you have passed a final test like no other, the test of coronavirus quarantine, and will now confidently stride, a prudent six feet apart, jaws set firmly under your surgical masks, into the post-pandemic ruins of the world of adulthood.

Each and every one of you has downloaded the distilled wisdom of Western Civilization in a grand adventure in online enlightenment, receiving the best education allowed within the limits of your broadband service contract. You are well-prepared for the long, vacant road ahead, a road of online job searches, Animal Crossing and, for the lucky few, Working From Home. For the rest, you who will deliver our meals and Amazon purchases, we salute you! Please ring the bell when you leave packages at the door.

As you log off now, if you remember anything, make it this: wash your hands, and don’t touch your face. Excelsior!

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