Generic DC NFL Team Renamed

DC’s NFL team shed its long-held racist name and adopted a place-holder generic name, Washington Football Team, in July 2020. It announced a new permanent name today, February 2nd, suggesting the team would be called the Washington Groundhogs. Alas, the new name is the Washington Commanders.

It’s not “Commandos,” since NFL players really should wear undies. It could have been Salamanders, since the mediocre team is owned by lizardman Dan Snyder, but no. The new logo seems to be a sort of stenciled W, since the Nats already have the cool curly one. There’s also some sort of goofy crest.

Anyway, football fans in the DC area have seven months, until the start of the 2022 season, to practice saying “How ’bout them ‘Mandos?” Probably while shaking their heads.

More:

“Washington Football Team announces Commanders as new NFL nickname,” Steve Gardner, USA Today

“Like It Or Not, the Washington Commanders Are Officially Here,” Kelyn Soong, Washington City Paper

“Washington Has A New NFL Team Name: The Commanders,” Elliot C. Williams, DCist

“Washington Commanders Is an Appropriately Boring Name,” Benjamin Hart, New York Magazine

“The Commanders name lands ‘with a thud’ for some Washington fans,” Andrew Golden, Washington Post

Updates:

“Experts Aren’t Wowed by New Commanders Branding,” Andrew Beaujon, Washingtonian

“On Capitol Hill, ex-Washington NFL employees levy new harassment claims against Daniel Snyder,” Liz Clarke, Washington Post

“The Best (and Worst) Reactions to the Washington Football Team’s New Name,” Lauren Mccaffrey and Anna Spiegel, Washingtonian

“The Rebrand Is the Least Bad Thing About the Washington Commanders,” Matt Terl, Washington City Paper

Related:

“Washington Commanders investigating sexual harassment allegation against owner,” Chloe Folmar, The Hill

“NFL says it will control investigation into Commanders owner Dan Snyder, not the team,” Jonathan Franklin, NPR News

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Renaming the Generic DC NFL Team

DC’s NFL team, having shed its long-held racist name and become the generic Washington Football Team, will announce its new name on February 2nd, which suggests the team will be know as the Washington Groundhogs.

Other name candidates include the Commanders, Admirals, Armada, Brigade, Sentinels, Defenders, Red Hogs, Presidents and “Washington Football Team.” If only they could replace Dan Snyder with a generic “Washington Football Team Owner.”

Related:

“Washington Football Team Awaits a New Name, But the Mediocrity Remains,” Matt Terl, Washington City Paper

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Image (“New DC NFL Uniform”) by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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Google Doesn’t Want You to Say You ‘Googled Something’

Google doesn’t want you to use “Googled” as a verb. It could endanger their brand. A video written by Tristan Purdy, presented by Sam Denby for Half as Interesting.

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No More ‘Mormon’ Tabernacle Choir

“The well-known Mormon Tabernacle Choir was renamed Friday to strip out the word ‘Mormon’ in a move showing the faith’s new president is serious about ending shorthand names for the religion that have been used for generations by church members and previously promoted by the church.

The … singing group will now be called the ‘Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square,’ The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said in a statement. It’s a nod to the home of the choir for the last 150 years, the Tabernacle, located on church grounds known as Temple Square in downtown Salt Lake City.”

“Church President Russell M. Nelson announced guidelines in August requesting that people stop using ‘Mormon’ or ‘LDS’ as substitutes for the church’s full name. He said “Latter-day Saints” was acceptable shorthand.”

— “Mormon no more: Tabernacle Choir renamed in big church shift,” Brady McCombs, Associated Press

In other branding news, Dunkin’ Donuts is now just “Dunkin.”

More:

“The world-renowned Mormon Tabernacle Choir is changing its name to ‘The Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square,'” Tabernacle Choir blog

Mormon Tabernacle Choir website

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Bayer Gobbles Up Monsanto

German pharmaceutical company Bayer has the go-ahead to acquire U.S. seed and agrochemical company Monsanto for $66 billion. The new firm will be called “Bayer” rather than “Monsanto” because Americans associate the former with children’s aspirin and the latter with Agent Orange, DDT, PCBs, glyphosate, GMOs, and other now-unpopular products.

Like many German corporations, Bayer has its own dark history. It was once part of the IG Farben conglomerate, which made Zyklon B gas for Third Reich death camps, and Bayer itself used Jewish slave labor in its wartime factories.

But memory is short, so “Monsanto” is out and “Bayer” is in. As Cory Doctorow of BoingBoing puts it, “Bayer and Monsanto merge into a new company called ‘Bayer’ because Nazis have a better reputation than Big Ag.”

More:

“Monsanto is about to disappear. Everything will stay exactly the same,” Zoë Schlanger, Quartz

“Why ‘Monsanto’ is no more,” Caitlin Dewey, Washington Post

“Monsanto to ditch its infamous name after sale to Bayer, Rupert Neate, The Guardian

“Bayer Can Drop The Name Monsanto, But Can’t Erase The Hate,” Elisabeth Dostert, Suddeutsche Zeitung, via Worldcrunch

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Snoopy Is Now a Shelter Dog

After 31 years (217 in dog years), MetLife has sent snoopy to the pound. The huge corporation is retiring the cartoon canine as its mascot and speechless spokes-puppy. Many U.S. insurance customers who grew up reading the “Peanuts” comic strip have moved to that Big Retirement Home in the Sky, MetLife plans to spin off U.S. consumer insurance soon anyway, business customers don’t fancy cute cartoons, and prospective international customers have never heard of Snoopy.

The MetLife move will take $12 million a year out of Snoopy’s food bowl. Look for a hungry, crestfallen 66-year-old beagle at your neighborhood’s cartoon animal shelter.

More:

“MetLife is cutting ties with Snoopy after 31 years,” Ashley Rodriguez, Quartz

“MetLife Grounds Snoopy. Curse You, Red Baron!” Christine Hauser and Sapna Maheshwari, New York Times

“MetLife Drops Snoopy: 5 Promising Career Options for the Out-of-Work Pup,” Kelli Bender, People

Bonus: Here’s one for you Trump supporters:

“Was Snoopy fired by MetLife for being too white?” Ed Straker, AmericanThinker

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President Trump: The Brand

 

Last Thursday, Donald Trump’s acceptance speech in Cleveland was supposed to finally outline the policies and particulars he would implement if elected. It didn’t.

So how would President Trump govern? We found out recently when the New York Times reported that, back in May, Donnie Trump Jr. approached a Kasich senior staffer about making the Ohio governor The Donald’s running mate and “the most powerful vice president in history.”

“When Kasich’s adviser asked how this would be the case, Donald Jr. explained that his father’s vice president would be in charge of domestic and foreign policy.

Then what, the adviser asked, would Trump be in charge of?

‘Making America great again’ was the casual reply.”

That’s in keeping with the current Trump business model. He doesn’t build anything; people pay him to put his name on things they build. The candidate even told us he saw image-building as the president’s chief role last September:

“Our country needs to be glamorized. The branding of our country is at an all-time low. Now, ‘branding’ might not be the most beautiful word to use, but the fact is the country has been labeled so badly.”

‘The thing about branding,” Bill Clinton reminds us, “is … you can be fact-free.”

So if the Republican ticket wins in November, President Trump will subcontract the real work of governing to VP Mike Pence, who should have spoken to all the subcontractors Donald Trump has screwed  before signing up.

More:

“Report: Trump Plans to License His Name to His Administration, Not to Run It,” Eric Levitz, New York Magazine

Related:

“Trump’s Brand Bonanza,” Jennifer Rooney, Forbes

“Brand Trump: How the developer-cum-TV star-cum-presidential candidate became a living product,” Robert Klara, Adweek [2011!]

Update:

“Kasich: Trump Jr. called aide to float VP offer,” Will Cadigan, CNN

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Big Money Buys Nino a Law School

A DC area law school was originally named after a Virginia patriot, but just like money can buy you lots of law, it can buy you law schools. George Mason University Law School announced it would change its name to the Antonin Scalia School of Law. Who are the buyers? $10 million came from Charles Koch, who believes there is entirely too much law. And the remaining $20 million? From an anonymous donor, probably in honor of the Citizens United decision.

Washington wags quickly realized the law school’s new abbreviation would be ASSoL or ASSLaw, and hilarity ensued. GMU reconsidered its awkward acronym and changed the name to Antonin Scalia Law School (ASLS). Somebody better tell the American Society of Liposuction Surgery.

More:

“George Mason University learned how hard it is to name a law school after Antonin Scalia,” Tara Golshan, Vox

“ASSLaw is the butt of jokes. So what?” Dave Schilling, The Guardian

“George Mason University Professors Oppose Naming Law School After Antonin Scalia,” Jon Schuppe, NBC News

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SoDoSoPa: City Living

South Park takes on the hip New Urbanism.

More:

“The SoHo Effect,” 99% Invisible

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How to Fix America: Branding

“Our country needs to be glamorized. The branding of our country is at an all-time low. Now, ‘branding’ might not be the most beautiful word to use, but the fact is the country has been labeled so badly.”

— “Donald Trump Is Not Going Anywhere,” Mark Lebovich, New York Times Magazine