NASA’s Rocket Racer Names New US Astronauts

NASA Administrator and former rocket racer Jim Bridenstine, the first non-scientist to head the U.S. space agency, has introduced the first U.S. astronauts since Evel Knievel the Space Shuttle crews retired. These space voyagers won’t be traveling aboard NASA rockets, but will ascend through the firmament atop commercial missiles provided by SpaceX and Boeing.

Another way to think about this: The Trump Administration is providing potential human sacrifices to corporate America and paying them for it.

When Administrator Bridenstine was a Republican Congressman from Oklahoma, he led GOP efforts to commercialize space and prioritize human space stunts missions over scientific discovery. As Executive Director of the Tulsa Air and Space Museum, Mr. Bridenstine put the museum in the hole by using its resources to fund a Rocket Racing League exhibition. One of the owners of the Rocket Racing League was Jim Bridenstine. Commercializing space, indeed.

God help our new astronauts.

Sex-Mad Felon Astronaut’s Navy Career Scuttled

Former Astronaut Lisa Nowak was retired from the U.S. Navy under conditions “less than honorable” last week. The former Navy Captain had flown on Space Shuttle Discovery in July 2006, operating the robotic arms of the shuttle and the International Space Station. She also operated a complex personal life, culminating in 2007 with a 900 mile non-stop drive from Houston to Orlando to confront Air Force Captain Colleen Shipman, a romantic rival for the affections of former space shuttle pilot Bill Oefelein.

Space Shuttle’s Last Landing

Just before dawn today, U.S. astronauts folded their tray tables and returned their seats to an upright position as the Space Shuttle Atlantis touched down on Runway 15 at the Kennedy Space Center. After five decades, our long National Space Stunt is over. Designed by Dr. Evel Knievel, the U.S. manned space effort sent humans into the cold void of space to definitively prove  … um, that humans could go into space. Perhaps NASA will actually devote some of its funds to science now.

Space Cucumbers

Japanese astronaut Satoshi Furukawa has been lifted to the International Space Station by a Soyuz rocket. What will Dr. Furukawa do in outer space? Grow cucumbers. And maybe some tomatoes.

Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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Astronaut Sex Scandal:Guilty!

Ex-Astronaut Lisa Nowak, who attacked her rival in a love triangle, pleaded guilty today to burglary of a car and misdemeanor battery, avoiding kidnapping and attempted murder charges. Under a plea bargain agreement, she was sentenced to two days in jail (already served) and one year of probation, which she will undoubtedly serve in the company of a literary agent and ghost writer.

On February 5, 2007, Captain Nowak was arrested at the Orlando airport after driving 900 miles non-stop from Houston and pepper-spraying her romantic rival, Air Force Captain Colleen Shipman. Ms. Shipman was the current lover of Ms. Nowak’s old flame, Astronaut William Oefelein.

Nowak’s car contained latex gloves, a wig, a BB pistol and ammunition, pepper spray, a 2-pound drilling hammer, rubber tubing, plastic garbage bags, an 8-inch folding knife, and (apparently) the Astronaut’s friend, Maximum Absorbency Garments (adult diapers). Ms. Nowak denied wearing the diapers on her non-stop 24-hour drive. She also pleaded insanity before taking the plea bargain.

Another Triumph in Space

In the vast human adventure that is the U.S. manned space program, NASA engineers fixed the broken toilet in the International Space Station yesterday, just in time to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the first walk on the lunar surface.