Alaskans Reject Sarah Palin

In a special election to fill Alaska’s congressional seat for the remainder of this term, MAGA proto-Trump Sarah Palin — former Miss Wasilla, ex-sportscaster, once part-time Temp-Governor of Alaska, losing GOP Vice Presidential candidate, cancelled reality TV star, Arizona homeowner, Masked Singer, and failed Fox News commentator — lost to pro-fish Democrat Mary Peltola. Ms. Peltola, a former Orutsararmuit Native Council Tribal Court Judge, served 5 terms in Alaska’s state legislature.  A Yup’ik woman from the Yukon-Kuskokwim delta, she will be the first Native Alaskan to serve in the U.S. Congress.

Sarah Palin has an opportunity to lose to Mary Peltola again in November, in the election for a full U.S. congressional term.

More:

“Peltola wins Alaska special election to fill Young’s House seat,” Jackie Wang and Kate Ackley, Roll Call

“Sarah Palin loses Alaska special election to Democrat Mary Peltola,” Deepa Shivaram, NPR News

“Democrat Mary Peltola tops Sarah Palin to win U.S. House special election in Alaska,” AP via The Guardian

“Wind in Democrats’ sails as Sarah Palin humbled in Alaska special election,” Ed Pilkington, The Guardian

“Republicans Have Only Themselves to Blame for Their Alaskan Defeat,” Adam Serwer, The Atlantic

“Why Sarah Palin’s loss is a warning for the GOP,” David Siders, Politico

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Labor Day Weekend: REAL Men Grill Meat

This is Labor Day Weekend, ceremonial End of Summer in the USA. During this three-day holiday adult American men are obliged to offer up sacrifices to their gods, incinerating animal flesh outdoors behind their homes. Families and  neighbors consume the charred remains, washing them down with copious libations of fermented grain orcarbonated sugar-water.

This custom is said to bridge cultural differences and promote family and community cohesion, but the ceremony has a grave, unstated purpose. If American men do not burn meat for them on Labor Day, the angry gods will not end summer, preventing the start of the new pro football season.

More:

“Football: America’s national religion,” Chad Gibbs, Washington Post  blog.

“The Foodspin Cookout Reader,” Albert Burneko, Foodspin

“NFL Labor Day Cookout: Which Food Is Your Favorite Player Bringing?” Bailey Brautigan, Bleacher Report.

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Note: Canadian men sacrifice meat on “Labour Day,” which has something to do with their Ice Hockey cult. Or with “Curling,” maybe. Whatever that is.

Image (“BBQ Grill for Real Men”) by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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Sarah Palin Launches TV Network

Sarah Palin, former Miss Wasilla, once part-time Temp-Governor of Alaska, losing GOP Vice Presidential candidate and failed Fox News commentator, is launching her own on-line TV network, the Sarah Palin Channel. Run on free-market principles, it’ll cost you $9.95 a month or $99.95 a year. A comment on Gawker suggests you go monthly, since Palin will probably quit after 6 months, like she did as Governor of Alaska.

More:

“Sarah Palin Launches Her Own Channel Online,” Todd Spangler, Variety

“Sarah Palin begins her own online channel,” Catalina Camia, USA Today

“Sarah Palin Launches Subscription-Based Online Video Channel,” Andrew Kirell, Mediaite

“Millions Pay for Rare Opportunity to Hear Sarah Palin Speak,” Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

Sarah Palin Can’t Sell Her TV Show

Last year former celebrity Temp-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin had a simulated-reality TV show that featured her slaughtering animals and pretending to work as a waitress. Exciting stuff, but the cable network passed on a second season. Now she’s pitching a show featuring First Thug Todd Palin riding a snowmobile, but nobody’s catching.

“Nobody Wants To Buy Sarah Palin’s Dumb New Reality Teevee Show,” Kirsten Boyd Johnson, Wonkette

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Sarah Palin Leaves 2012 Race; Now a Full-Time Fictional Character

Former Alaska Temp-Governor Sarah Palin disappointed Tea Party stalwarts by declining to enter the race for the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination. She made the announcement on CNN Fox News Twitter  mighty Cumulus Media Radio. After talking it over with God, Mrs. Palin explained to host Mark Levin, she’s decided to remain on the $100,000-a-pop personal appearance circuit, hawking her book-like objects.

Sarah Palin has always been more of a celebrity than an actual public figure, a creation of marketing image-makers. Now that she’s out of the presidential race, she’s become a full-time fictional character in the novel It’s Classified, written by former Palin media advisor Nicolle Wallace.

Winner: Murkowski. Certifed Sore Loser: Miller.

Senator Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) has been certified as the winner of November’s U.S. Senate election in Alaska. It took this long because her Tea Party challenger, Joe Miller, won the Republican primary and, after Murkowski beat him in a write-in campaign, he took to the courts to protest the people’s choice. Among other spurious grounds, the challenger sought to discount write-in ballots with slight variations of the name “Murkowski,” an easy claim if your name is M-I-L-L-E-R. The U.S. district court ruled otherwise. The name of the judge who issued the ruling:  Ralph Best Biest Beistline.

 

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Sarah Palin Tries Work, Doesn’t Like It

Former Alaska Temp-Governor Sarah Palin was a temp-waitress on her unreality TV show last week. Mrs. Palin waited tables at Peggy’s Airport Cafe in Anchorage (1675 E. Fifth Avenue, try the pies). She staged the event to show 9 year old daughter Piper “what it was like to be on your feet all day, work extremely hard and wait on people.” The presence of the professional video crew was purely coincidental.

Service was even slower than usual at Peggy’s that day, as Sarah the hard workin’ waitress spent all her time getting her picture taken with customers. Then again, Mrs. Palin’s whole career has been one long photo op. 

“Mom is doing horrible as a waitress,” said Piper. “I wouldn’t tip her because she spends too much time at the tables talking.” 

More:

“Sarah Palin: Candidate, patriot, waitress,” Francis Lam, Salon.

 

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Sarah Palin’s Hamburger on the Hoof

Here’s a wild game recipe from former Temp-Governor Sarah Palin: Caribou Hamburger. You know it’s fresh because you start grinding it while the animal is still alive. Here’s how:

Take one free-range, fresh and local Alaska caribou. Instead of downing it with one or two well-placed high-powered rifle shots, shred it with about five rounds. Burger meat the “Caribou Barbie” way. 

Oh, wait. She missed four out of five shots. The feat of arms is featured on her cable TV  show on the Learning Channel. The show really was educational. We learned the truth about Sarah Palin The Mighty Hunter, anyway.

 

Bonus feature: Do You Have What it Takes? Caribou Tracking. Take the quiz!

 Update:  “Sarah Palin succeeded in doing the impossible this week … when she faced her biggest wildlife challenge to date — Kate Gosselin.” More from Kirkland Hamill here.

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The Winner: M-u-r-k-o-w-s-k-i

 

Incumbent Lisa Murkowski has been declared the winner of Alaska’s senatorial election after a week of ballot counting. She is the first U.S. Senate candidate in over 50 years to win a write-in campaign.

The senator’s opponent, Tea Party idol Joe Miller, tried to turn the election into a spelling bee. He asked the federal court to throw out write-in ballots with slight variations of the senator’s name. The court declined to do so.

The name of the U.S. district court judge who ruled on the spelling issue: Ralph Best Biest Beistline.

 

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Bristol Palin, Levi Johnston Engaged

Society Notes: The editors of US Magazine are pleased to announce the betrothal of Miss Bristol Sheeran Marie Palin and Mr. Levi Keith Johnston of Wasilla, Alaska.

Mr. Johnston is an unemployed dropout from Wasilla High School, where he played hockey while fathering Miss Palin’s son, Tripp Easton Mitchell Palin. His sister blogs and his mother was in pharmaceuticals.

Miss Palin is a noted authority on abstinence-only sex education. Her mother, Mrs. Sarah Palin, a former sportscaster, was Temp-Governor of Alaska for several months. Her father Todd, a retired BP employee, races snowmobiles and fishes for salmon.

The wedding is expected to take place just before the Fall television season. The bride will wear Carolina Herrera, the groom and Tripp will sport a camouflage pattern. The couple plans to honeymoon on reality TV.

 

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