Disgraced former Speaker Newt Gingrich is vying for Intergalactic Republican Supremacy in Tuesday’s primary battle for Truth, Justice, Adultery and the American Way. “America has a destiny in space,” Mr. Gingrich bravely told a crowd of aerospace engineers at the U.S. Space and Rocket Center in Huntsville. No odds on what he dealt out to casino workers in Biloxi.
Mr. Gingrich gained his vast knowledge of interplanetary travel by reading Missiles and Rockets Magazine and science fiction in 8th Grade. He no longer dabbles in rocketry, but he’s never given up science fiction; his entire political platform is made of it. He’s also re-written lots of history, including his own.
Alabama and Mississippi primaries are too close to call. Common wisdom is that, if Newt Skywalker loses thrust he’ll fall out of presidential orbit, but he claims he can still maintain altitude. Onward, to the stars!
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