This Is Why They Hate Us

The French don’t hate Americans because of boorish Yank tourists. They don’t hate us because we’re sexual prudes or because we forced them into NATO. They hate us because we let Mattel Toys corrupt their petits garçons and make them slaves to la malbouffe (junk food).

Food Fighters action figures were manufactured by Mattel in 1988-1989 and retailed in America well into the 90s, warping the minds and eating habits of men in Generations X and Y. Today these plastic figurines are only of interest to seriously insane action-figure nerds.

For you war-gaming table-top tacticians, here is the line-up: two opposing squads, the Kitchen Commandos under Burgerdier General versus the Refrigerator Rejects led by Mean Wiener. There are light automatic weapons and backpacks. Assault vehicles are the BBQ Bomber (a hibatchi tank with a spatula catapult) and the Combat Carton (a wheeled egg carton with a ketchup bottle cannon). Air support is provided by Frychoppers (frying pan helicopters with hot dog pontoons and soup can bombs).

The menu personnel roster:

Kitchen Commandos (the good guys)
Unit insignia: black boots, green headgear
Commander: Burgerdier General (cheeseburger)
Major Munch ( doughnut)
Lieutenant Legg (chicken or turkey drumstick)
Sergeant Scoop (ice cream)
Private Pizza (with pepperoni)

Refrigerator Rejects (the bad guys)
Unit insignia: brown boots, black headgear
Commander: Mean Wiener or Weener (hot dog)
Chip the Ripper (cookie)
Short Stack (pancakes)
Taco Terror (crispy)
Fat Frenchy (fries, natch)

Lack of military ranks among the bad guys indicates irregular (‘terrorist”) organization, hence actions against them should be regarded as Military Operations Other Than War (MOOTW). This requires clear objectives, unity of effort, perseverance, restraint, logistical and tactical support, good kitchen hygiene, and proper utensils.


“Figure Flashback: Mattel’s Food fighters,” “Pixel” Dan Eardley,

“Food Fighters: It’s OK to Play With Your Food!” 

Food Fighters fan music video (YouTube, 3:21)

“Food Fighters,” from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Short link:

 Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not boring or obscene. Comments may be edited for clarity and length.

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