Turkey Torching Tips for Guys

 Turkey Torching Tips for Guys

The National Fire Protection Association claims “turkey fryers that use oil, as currently designed, are not suitable for acceptably safe use by even a well-informed and careful consumer.” Wimps! Thursday is Thanksgiving, when we give thanks for college football and a four-day weekend. That’s when Real American Men generate Code Orange air quality by incinerating poultry on the patio.

Any pantywaist can cook on those SUV-sized natural gas, propane, electric, or gelignite-powered barbecue grills with all those fancy features (good subwoofers do help spread sauce evenly, though). Nah, let’s get ready to deep-fry some turkey. Here’s how:

1. Put Fire Department on Speed-Dial. Keep your cell phone in your welding apron pocket. It is unwise to enter a flaming residence to use the telephone.

2. Purchase more equipment. You can never have enough Real Guy outdoor cooking gear. Buy some new stuff at Home Depot first. Don’t bother with those electronic gizmos at Leading Edge; you can never read the LCD screens outdoors anyway. Williams-Sonoma? Isn’t that the California wine the wife likes?

3. Don’t forget the turkey. Make sure it is big enough to bother with. Double-check to make sure you are not buying a goat or lamb.

4. Check interior compartment of poultry (note: light does not go on automatically; use your Maglite). Any paper-wrapped parcels inside do not contain Surprise Creme Filling. Remove; give to wife or cat. If the bird is frozen, use your Benz-0-Matic torch judiciously or the meat will be dry. At this point you may marinate the turkey in any fluid mixture as long as it contains beer.

5. Equipment check list. This will vary but should definitely include safety equipment (welding apron, Kevlar™ gloves, safety glasses, fire extinguisher, cell phone, well-stocked beer cooler or full beer keg with ice), fire ignition tools (lighting chimney, matches, flamethrower, etc.), food manipulating tools (tongs, skewers, forks, knives), cooking implements (meat thermometer, meat hygrometer, count-down timer, 55-gallon deep-fry container, perforated deep-fry container insert with turkey stand and handle, caulking gun for stuffing insertion, brushes, airbrushes, and hypodermic needles for applying sauce, tattoo gun for decorations, crane), deep-fry medium (vegetable oil is better than animal fat; Marvel Mystery Oil is not recommended), sauces, rubs, marinades, condiments, spices, and some truly essential vegetables (potato salad, cole slaw, ketchup). Anything missing? See Step #2. Got everything? Cheers! Begin beer consumption.

6. Check fuel supply. Make sure you have enough. Charcoal briquettes add a certain piquancy, but for even more petrochemical taste and aroma soak your wood, charcoal, or bitumen in charcoal starter, napalm, or even gasoline (to hell with the expense). Do not add gasoline to burning fires or glowing coals, even if you feel you have protected yourself by consuming sufficient beer.

7. Ignite fire. Don welding apron, Kevlar™ gloves, safety glasses; if you are Caucasian, remember to reverse baseball cap. Apply flame to fuel and accelerant, then extinguish eyebrows and footgear. If you are cooking over a propane gas burner or using an electric deep-fryer, get medical treatment for low testosterone level immediately. Fires are hot; remember to consume enough beer to keep cool.

8. Ensure that your annoying neighbor is downwind of your fire. Give the jerk something real to grumble about for a change. He won’t complain to you, though – no Real American Guy would embarrass himself like that or disrespect the sacred nature of Male Outdoor Cooking. If he makes a fuss, report the wimp to the authorities as an illegal alien terrorist and/or sexual deviant. Continue consuming beer to keep cool and avoid dehydration.

9. Cook. Allow fire to settle into glowing coals before using crane to hoist container of cooking oil over grill or burner. If you have been too impatient to allow fire to settle into glowing coals, extinguish oil fire and repeat. While waiting for fire to settle into glowing coals, prepare turkey by sprinkling it with salt, pepper, and/or the Deep-Fried Turkey Sprinkle you bought at Home Depot, and/or brush, air-brush or inject that Home Depot Deep-Fried Turkey Sauce. Remember to leave room in the oil container for turkey and perforated container, as these displace hot oil; if you forget, extinguish oil fire and repeat Step #9. Consume beer to replenish vital fluids and keep cool.

10. Remove turkey when done. The Deep-Fried Turkey Doneness Formula is simply Time = (weight of turkey) ß/Σ (altitude) x 2. Remember to adjust for barometric pressure and the specific gravity of your particular oil medium. If you think of turkey weight in kilos, knock on some doors and get a real American to help you. You can calculate Deep-Fried Turkey Doneness more easily with a meat thermometer: Remove turkey ten minutes after meat thermometer melts. Alternative method: Turkey is done when a 200-pound American male cook has consumed 216 fluid ounces (one gallon plus five-and-a-half pints) of beer (Caution:If you think of this as 6.39 liters, see above).

11. Allow turkey to drain and cool before eating. Do not blot with shop rags (these often contain metal shavings and will ruin dinner); do not dry with those little towels from the guest bathroom (using those for anything is grounds for divorce).

12. Call KFC. Order several buckets. What the hell; a good time was had by all. Need a cold one?

Disclaimer: The above is provided for amusement, not actual cooking. NationsCapital is not responsible for interpretations by the humor-impaired, mentally-challenged, or emotionally-disturbed. If English is not your native tongue, please ignore this post. Yes, we are aware that people are badly injured while improperly deep-frying turkeys and that consuming deep-fried foods is not considered healthy, so keep it to yourself. Jeez, what a country.

Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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30 Responses to “Turkey Torching Tips for Guys”

  1. Mikalee Byerman Says:

    “Make sure you’re not buying a goat or a lamb” … priceless!

    Great post, and trust me: These tips crossover the gender lines more often than you think. I’m procuring the Kevlar gloves today, in fact.


  2. dearexgirlfriend Says:

    this would be a great post for me if i wasnt too lazy to even get the necessary ingredients and tools.

  3. Skirmish Paintball Games Says:

    Brightend up my day! Duly printed and placed on my ‘Things that make me a man’ wall at work!

    Congrats on being Freshly Pressed, too.

  4. Christy aka Mamarazzi Says:

    This was hysterical! And thank you for warning all husbands about the link to guest towels and divorce. You are probably the champion hero of a few saved marriages there!

  5. jodie Says:

    Thanks for a good laugh this morning. You nailed it.
    Happy Thanksgiving!

  6. Kelly Hay Says:

    Hmmm … I’m thinking my brother used notes like this for last year’s Thanksgiving 🙂

    Hilarious post!

  7. Evie Garone Says:

    Funny, but I think unfortunately a lot of real people do it kinda’ like this!


  8. Mat Says:

    I went to a friends house when I lived in Tampa, my first Turkey fry (and his). The are dangerous things! Lets just say I wish he’d read your post before he started!


  9. Ava Aston's Muckery Says:

    I laughed so hard. Thanks for sharing!



  10. Sunflowerdiva Says:

    Haha, this is so funny! Great job!

  11. enjoibeing Says:

    haha very funny! good post!


  12. auntbethany Says:

    Very entertaining…great post! Congrats on FP!

  13. cookiemomma Says:

    I don’t have to worry about this because my husband doesn’t cook! Very entertaining post though! 🙂

  14. middleagedplague Says:

    There is a reason why the Norwegian Artist and I have divided the various chores, and I gladly take on the turkey.

  15. rsmacaalay Says:

    The Deep-Fried Turkey Doneness Formula is simply Time = (weight of turkey) ß/Σ (altitude) x 2 ???

    This is really funny!


  16. marlowesnymph Says:

    This is hilarious! I’ll have to print this out for my dad, he’d love to read it but is technologically impaired.

    Keep it up!


  17. markgrobinson Says:

    This is awesome!

  18. Stephen Mc Elligott Says:

    oh boy am I a bad cook or what!!! haha


  19. elysianhunter Says:

    Reminds me of what happened when the old man got a fifth of Wild Turkey for Christmas and took that as a challenge. Once he had imbibed the fifth he decided he had to light a fire in the fireplace. When he failed to light a log with a Bic and a piece of toilet paper he went out to the garage and got the gas can. Next thing I hear is something akin to a sonic boom. He had burned off most of the top of his hair, his eyebrows, and nose hair. One of the Wisemen from the Nativity on the mantle fell and shattered too, otherwise it was simply a flashpoint explosion with no real damage done. Explaining his error to the barber and to his co-workers was pretty embarrassing too!

  20. kimmurphey Says:

    Love your sense of humor!

    I’ll never forget seeing a guy sent off to the hospital with 3rd degree burns after he squirted lighter fluid on the burning BBQ when I was a kid.

  21. TK Says:

    I nearly busted a gut I laughed so hard reading this post. Thanks for this. I will have to figure out a way for my husband to read this in Afghanistan. (For some reason the military won’t let you read blogs when you are overseas.)

  22. My Camera, My Friend Says:

    Do you watch Red Green? He’s Canadian, but the sense of humor is very similar.

  23. notesfromrumbleycottage Says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you!

  24. sayitinasong Says:

    I needa cold one after readin all that and laughin so hard my cat looked at me like I’m demented…lol!!! Fab post!

  25. SellWoWAccount Says:

    Those tips would do for women as well. Women who don’t have much knowledge of it :D. Thanks for sharing. Happy Thanksgiving!

    Sell WoW Account

  26. Turkey Carving Tips for Real Guys « NotionsCapital Says:

    […] NotionsCapital Ideas on Events and Culture from Washington, DC « Turkey Torching Tips for Guys […]

  27. gmomj Says:

    Excellently funny post.

    But are you my son ????

    He actually does fry up the bird and stands around with his buddies drinking beers in their football jerseys while the oil splatters their fronts.

    The hilarity is really in the kitchen where 4 women are making 8 dips and slowly getting smashed on cheap wine.

    Good times.

    Love Thanksgiving.

    Be sure to brine that bad boy before you fry it (Or bake it).

    Good times….


  28. Turkey Torching Tips for Guys « NotionsCapital | randais Says:

    […] Turkey Torching Tips for Guys « NotionsCapital. […]

  29. Margie Says:

    Our Thanksgiving here in Canada is in October. That is a “good thing” as Martha would say. It gives us just over 2 months to forget the trivial details about the “Thanksgiving Turkey Disaster” before hauling out the deep fryer for the Christmas bird…

  30. Garrett McKenna Says:

    “If you think of turkey weight in kilos, knock on some doors and get a real American to help you”

    HAHAHA! I love this! You are my new favorite!

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