Somebody give me a cheeseburger!
— Steve Miller, Living in the USA (1968)
What real American doesn’t like burgers? Hell, even lessmeatarian Mark Bittman’s pals Daniel Meyer and Ed Schneider like burgers! So what could be better? BIGGER burgers!
Forget those Mickey Dee puny-pounders. There’s major news from the minor leagues. This season the West Michigan Whitecaps of Grand Rapids will offer the 4,800-calorie Fifth Third Burger to manlier meat-eaters. The ‘Caps play in a ballpark named after Fifth Third Bank so, as Michael Zuidema explains in the Grand Rapids Press, the burger’s builders balance five third-of-a-pound beef patties, five slices of American cheese, salsa, nacho cheese, Fritos, lettuce, tomato, and sour cream on a big bun. The jalapeño peppers are optional.
We do not know if the ballpark has public defibrillator stations.
Actually, each $20 sandwich is cut like a pizza, and can feed four wimps as well as one real American guy. Even that should give pause; the Fifth Third Burger weighs in at four pounds, 4,800 calories, 300 grams of fat, 744 milligrams, and 10,000 milligrams of sodium.
Dessert suggestion: deep-fried caramel apples, anyone?
It’s still Spring Training, so baseball fans who want to get into shape can watch video of a Fifth Third Burger being built. Ready? Play Ball!
Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com
Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not obscene. Comments may be edited for clarity and length.
NotionsCapital 
March 25, 2009 at 8:10 pm
Bigger must indeed be better.
Of course there is always the Big Texan Steak Ranch in Amarillo, home of the 72 oz free steak — free if you can choke it down, with all the trimmings, in an hour.
My recollection is that the steaks at Big Texan are large and tough. Definitely a place where quantity trumps quality.
Best use of new technology by a carnivorous end destination – the Big Texan website has a live web cam for following 72 oz steak challengers.
See it now! – http://www.bigtexan.com/
March 26, 2009 at 2:55 am
HL: So that’s why they call the area around Amarillo the “Steaked Plains.”
BTW, the “72 oz. Steak Challenge” should not be confused with the Food Matters Challenge.
I’m glad Amarillo’s Big Texan Web Cam is working. Here in DC the National Park Service still can’t get the Cherry Blossom Web Cam online. Maybe NPS needs to eat more meat.