Week 12 NFL Highlights: Big Play by Plaxico Burress.
NotionsCapital explains the intricacies of American professional football.
NY Giants star Plaxico Burress wore sweatpants to the Latin Quarter nightclub.
— Granted, the LQ isn’t what it used to be, but still, sweats in a Big Apple nightclub? No wonder the guards wouldn’t let him in at first.
— No pockets in sweatpants; that’s why he had to carry the illegal handgun in his waistband, and why it slipped out – weak elastic, even with designer labels.
— If you wear sweatpants to a fancy nightclub, you have to wear lots of gold jewelry so people know you are not poor, just someone with no taste who doesn’t give a sh*t, someone rich and important enough to get away with wearing sweatpants to a fancy nightclub. Rules are for poor people.
— Lots of gold jewelry makes you a target for other people who don’t give a sh*t, robbers and muggers. That is why you have to bring along an unregistered gun when you go drinking in fancy nightclubs. That will be an interesting legal theory for the defense, even if the judge wears sweats under his robes (many do).
New York-Presbyterian Hospital let Plaxico Burress register under an assumed name and did not report his gunshot wound to the police.
— New York-Presbyterian Hospital, one of the top ten hospitals in the USA (“valet parking is available;” “affiliated with two Ivy League medical schools” ) allowed the New York Giants wide receiver to register under an assumed name. Of course! The hospital is near the Plaza Athenee hotel; stars don’t register with their own names there, either — too many tiresome paparazzi and celeb stalkers, darling.
— New York-Presbyterian Hospital did not report Plaxico Burress’ gunshot wound to the New York City Police Department, a violation of New York State Penal Law, Section 265.25 and Section 5.05 of the AMA Code of Ethics. So? Rules are for poor people. Do the NYPD and AMA play in the Super Bowl? We’re talkin’ NFL here! There is a Higher Law: The Code of Celebrity Courtesy Confidentiality. You think Plaxico and Tiffany Joi are in theTotowa phonebook?
NY Giants star Plaxico Burress owned an unregistered Glock 40 cal. handgun and transported it between his homes in Florida, Virginia, and New Jersey.
— Mr. Burress registered that thang when he bought it in Florida. Okay, the permit expired. Who can he keep track of all those stupid, complicated laws? Mr. Burress only sleeps with a lawyer, Tiffany Joi Burress, Esq. Okay, so Mrs. Burress forgets to ante up and gets her NJ lawyer ticket pulled sometimes; who can keep track of all those stupid, complicated laws?
— The Glock was once street-legal in Florida; maybe Mr. Burress brought it to his other house in Virginia Beach (the one he owes back taxes on — who can etc., etc.), where you can buy a gun every month and wear a Glock on your hip at IHOP. Of course, it’s illegal to carry handguns on planes even if you are a celeb; that Glock was carried up I-95 through Georgia and the Carolinas. The gun must have been driven through Maryland and Delaware to New Jersey, before partying in a Manhattan bar on a boozy Saturday night. Interstate transport of an unregistered handgun? Federal beef? Who can keep track of all those stupid, complicated laws?
— Of course the Glock was unregistered. Even though Mr. Burress is a BFD NFL celeb, even the Jersey cops would think twice about permitting a handgun in a home where they had responded to domestic disturbance complaints. After your wife swears out a couple of restraining orders, no law enforcement officer who wants to keep his job will give you a handgun permit, even if you have a Super Bowl ring [New legal defense strategy: Blame the wife! Even if your client doesn’t get out of jail, he gets a divorce! You actually have a reason to double-bill this time].
— After discharging the Glock in a bar on Saturday night and shooting himself, Plaxico Burress gave the unregistered weapon to teammate Antonio Pierce to sneak back across the river to New Jersey, putting the career and personal freedom of Mr. Pierce at risk, too. Hey, what are friends for?
Complete Recap in 89 words:
Plaxico Burress couldn’t register his 40. cal Glock handgun because he fights with his wife. He needed to carry the gun because he couldn’t get into a nightclub wearing sweatpants unless he wore lots of gold, and needed a gun to protect the gold. He put the gun in his waistband because sweatpants don’t have pockets, and shot himself when he gun slipped out of the waistband elastic. He wore sweatpants to accommodate his injured injured hamstring muscle, and gave a false name at the hospital to avoid pesky paparazzi.
Got it?
Note to Folksingers: Quick! Rewrite this recap and set it to the tune of the Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly and split the publishing with NotionsCapital. We’ll be so rich they will let us wear sweatpants in nightclubs!
Full disclosure: Writer/Editor Mike Licht comes from an NYPD family, participated in target sports, did not play ball in high school, wears sweatpants at home, and is the only one on his block in DC who isn’t a lawyer.
Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com.
Note: Wouldn’t it be great if Plaxico Burress had a blog?
NotionsCapital 
December 2, 2008 at 8:56 pm
[Editor’s note: Commment (539 words) edited to prevent total gun-wonk bordom]
Wow Mike, I totally agree this guy is a thuggish train wreck ….
I suspect that New York’s strict guns laws suddenly won’t apply to him the same way it would a “normal” citizen, but time will tell)
The statement about Jewelry making him a target for robbery is simply speculation, and probably overlooks the more realistic possibilities of him being a known rich celebrity….or that the gun was not carried as a tool of personal protection at all but as an accessory to a misguided lifestyle.
It points out your ignorance in firearms going on about the lack of pockets in sweatpants, given that the Glock 22 (Pictured above) is far to large to carry in a standard pocket, and the smaller Glock 27 is only concealable in some of the largest standard pockets….meanwhile ignoring the gross safety hazard of carrying a gun without a proper holster under ANY circumstances (Something that should garner reckless endangerment charges as the stray bullet could have hit innocent bystanders rather than just this meathead)
… what exactly does the term “Street-Legal” mean in pertaining to a gun and/or Florida?
Your speculation of the gun’s travels is just that …. there is no federal laws for “interstate transport of a Handgun”, all state laws apply, but if a gun is legal for a person to posses in one state federally, the feds don’t care where they go with it….as you may know states and towns may feel otherwise…
.
Also flying with a firearm is a very simple process
http://www.tsa.gov/travelers/airtravel/prohibited/permitted-prohibited-items.shtm#6
Obviously you are unaware that it is federally prohibited for those convicted of domestic violence and or protection orders, and have been since 1968
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gun_Control_Act_of_1968
December 2, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Did I hit a text-length limit or are you editing my posts?
December 2, 2008 at 10:38 pm
See comment headnote.
December 2, 2008 at 11:34 pm
WB writes: Is it because you have no shame?
I must have a sense of shame; I’m certainly embarrassed for you.
December 2, 2008 at 11:09 pm
So my exit question needs to be republished. Why is it anti-gun rights types are so ignorant on guns and gun laws?
Is it because you have no shame?
December 2, 2008 at 11:47 pm
Why would you be embarrassed for me? And why would you feel you have a sense of shame, but no problem dodging the first question.
Don’t worry, anybody following along can read the writing on the wall.
December 3, 2008 at 1:45 am
Sigh. Weer’d Beard (AKA “Johnny One-Note”). Okay; one last time.
WB: I suspect that New York’s strict guns laws suddenly won’t apply to him the same way it would a “normal” citizen [snip]
NYC Mayor Bloomberg Must Be a Jets Fan; Wants to Throw Book at Plaxico Burress
Bloomberg is just ramping up pubic scrutiny of NYPD and the DA conduct in this case (the guy made a fortune in media, remember?).
Mr. Burress is toast, but not because of Bloomberg; because of the NFL.
The NFL surely has high-priced damage-control consultants advising the League to “get out in front” of the issue and use NFL Security to assist law enforecement at all levels. You know why CEOs pay big bucks to crisis-mangement guys? So NFL officials can shrug and say they didn’t hang Plaxico out to dry — it was the outside consultants.
WB: The statement about Jewelry making him a target for robbery is simply speculation [snip]
“Plaxico Burress went out on the town with a loaded gun to protect himself because he apparently had a bunch of money in his pocket and was wearing lots of jewelry . . . ” Gary Myers, NY Daily News.
It’s in the blog post; you really need to click hyperlinks instead of going off half-cocked like this.
WB: [snip] the gun was not carried as a tool of personal protection at all but as an accessory to a misguided lifestyle.[snip] One paranoid’s “misiguided lifestyle” is another paranoid’s “personal protection.”
WB: [snip]the Glock 22 (Pictured above) [snip]
That’s right; it is a picture, an illustration. This may come as a shock to you, but it is not — repeat, not — a picture of the actual illegal weapon owned by Mr. Burress (I’m sure his is Giant white and blue). And ask someone with a sense of humor if the word “pants” is funnier than a 150 word digression considering if a clip holster, shoulder holster, ankle holster,or crotch holster would work with sweats.
Jeez.
WB: [snip] carrying a gun without a proper holster under ANY circumstances . . . should garner reckless endangerment charges as the stray bullet could have hit innocent bystanders [snip]
Absolutely right, Brother Weer’d Beard. You nailed it.
WB: [snip] what exactly does the term “Street-Legal” mean in pertaining to a gun and/or Florida?[snip]
“street-legal” is what they call a “metaphor.” The tenor of said trope: Mr. Burgess has a third home in in Lighthouse Point, Florida, and an expired Florida carry permit for the Glock. As I’m sure you know, even a current one isn’t good in NY or NJ. There was a hyperlink in the post but you ignored it again. WB, this is the 21st century; you’ve just got to become hypertext-literate. Learn to click the asociated hyperlinks in blog posts before posting comments, and avoid looking foolish.
WB:…. there is no federal laws for “interstate transport of a Handgun”, all state laws apply, but if a gun is legal for a person to posses in one state federally, the feds don’t care where they go with it….as you may know states and towns may feel otherwise…
Transporting a personal handgun to a jurisdiction which requires a permit you lack is an enterprise ending in crime. We know that Mr. Burress did not bring the Glock up to Jersey and drop it at his local police department for safekeeping until he got a permit, because he doesn’t have a permit; he has the gun.
Bear with me now, WB; unlike you, I haven’t had the benefit of law school. Oh, you didn’t? Golly.
Okay, surf up a New York City map, and find the thick blue line to the left of Manhattan — it says “Hudson River.” Go ahead, we’ll wait [this should only take a minute, folks; this guy is quick on the draw]. Got it? Good. See those three lines running accross the thick blue line? They may say “G.W. Bridge,” “Lincoln Tunnel,” and “Holland Tunnel.” They also say “I-95,” “I-495,” and “I-78.”
What’s that “I” stand for, anyway? Right —Interstate. And who is in charge of things “interstate?” Right — the Feds. The Hudson separates NY and NJ. If you use interstate public facilities in commission of a crime, the Federal government can get mighty peeved. The Feds might bring charges against Messrs. Burress and Pierce for, say, interstate conspiracy to conceal evidence of a felony, or against Mr. Burress for the FL-to-NJ Glock transport, since said handgun appears to have been used in a felony in NY if not NJ.
I fully expect the Feds, assisted by NFL Security and goaded by law-abiding gun owners like yourself as well as Congress (remember the MLB drug hearings?) will find out how that Glock got across all those state lines. However it got to Jersey, whoever brought it there, the Glock got to the Totowa NJ home of its purchaser, Plaxico B. Mr Burress has no right to possess said gat in the Garden State, and no permit to stick it in his sweatpants on either side of the Hudson. Was there ammunition in the home of Plaxico and Tiffany Joi Buress, Esq. ( New Jersey Attorney and thus an officer of the court) without a permit? Oh dear. I distinctly remember hearing that guns don’t kill people, bullets do.
The legal system does not begin and end with firearms, WB, and neither does this blog. Your chatroom-blog does, and that’s fine; it must have more incoming links from this blog than any other. Just don’t keep trying to highjack this blog for your niche interest. It get boring. It bores me; it bores my readers. Frankly, your comments on other topics are fresher.
December 3, 2008 at 5:28 am
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