Miss Congeniality Rocks GOP Convention

Miss Congeniality Rocks GOP Convention

Sarah Louise Heath Palin, Governor of all 670 000 Alaskans, energized the Republican Base at the Republican Convention last night, causing a brief shortage of blood pressure medication in the St. Paul area. As Vice President, Governor Palin said, she will employ the same administrative skills she used as Mayor of Wasilla, AK (population then: 5500). That means she and John McCain will hire a City Administrator to do their jobs so they can spend their time trying to ban books in public libraries and and keep Sex Ed out of classrooms.

In her prepared remarks, Governor Palin chastised “Community Organizers” and their failed, unAmerican methods of “Self-Help” and “Citizen-Involvement.” Thanks to the efforts of Mayor Palin (and suburban sprawl from nearby Anchorage), Wasilla today is a thriving metropolis of beautiful big box stores and spacious parking lots. The population has grown to nearly 8,000, as Sarah Palin is an ardent proponent of Abstinence-Only Sex Education.

Governor Palin called for holy victory in the Big Hockey Game in Iraq, a decisive US win just like the one in Vietnam, where sacrifices like those of John McCain, the heroes buried at Arlington, the numberless dead in the Indochinese countryside, and the thousands of homeless ‘Nam vets sleeping in our parks have brought decades of peace and stability to all of Southeast Asia. Today, a unified Vietnam is so peaceful that China can exploit Vietnamese offshore oil and gas reserves. Ms. Palin’s speech was interrupted by Junior ROTC members yelling “DRILL BABY DRILL!”

Sarah Palin chastised the Democrats for saying Republican energy policy only consists of drilling for oil in the ANWR nature preserve and off Malibu and the Hamptons. Pausing while a drunken group of visiting dentists yelled “DRILL BABY DRILL!,” Governor Palin went on to explain that American Ingenuity must be encouraged to develop new power technologies based on sound research in Creation Science.

By denying reproductive health choices and encouraging more women in their 40s to have children, Governor Palin explained, we are certain to have an explosion of Special Needs Children, so someone or other must provide more facilities so Special Needs Children can be passed hand-to-hand around roaring arenas, like little sleeping footballs. This was the extent of her discussion of the health crisis.

She Who Knows the North Slope also promised to deliver Alaska-sized oil and gas reserves to each and every one of the Lower 48 States, lower taxes for the rich, give token cash payments to gullible working stiffs, and allow the states to decry Federal earmarks while continuing to get them, all measures that have kept the Governor popular during the long 20 months of her administration. Even in these uncertain economic times, thanks to Governor Sarah Palin, Alaska has continued to receive the highest per capita payments of Pork in the nation.

Governor Palin, who has always campaigned as “Just-A-Mom,” also spoke of the pride she takes in her dysfunctional family, a transparent bid for the critical Dysfunctional Family vote, the American majority. She received a chuckling ovation. The audience and press were disappointed that Levi Johnston, the drop-out redneck boyfriend of the Governor’s pregnant and unwed 17-year-old daughter Bristol, was a no-show. Mr. Johnston may have heard about the dope-smoking Ron Paul supporters across the river in Minneapolis, and been delayed at Ronstock.

 One thing is certain: Senator John McCain (72) sees Governor Sarah Palin (44) as the Bridge to Nowhere  the Future for the Republican Party.

Image mash-up by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

11 Responses to “Miss Congeniality Rocks GOP Convention”

  1. David Black Says:

    So it seems you have a problem when people profit financially and you aren’t receiving a cut of that bounty. I suppose you would be more pleased if Sarah Palin had held some useless position like “community organizer” that did nothing but symbolically place an altruistic face on the cause to help the po’ and disenfranchised living in quasi-Third World dung heaps like the south side of Chicago.

    How funny to hear more have-not whining from the lumpen proletariat.

  2. Mike Licht Says:

    David Black:

    I have a “problem” with hypocrites who:

    — Posture as competent public administrators when they are not
    — Promise government economy but waste funds through ineptitude
    — Deliver symbolic gimmicks instead of responsible government

    Sorry you disagree. You are certainly entitled to your opinions; just don’t misrepresent the facts, something Governor Palin has done since her first mayoral campaign.

  3. David Black Says:

    The thing is … she competent enough for the GOP’s purpose in energizing its base constituency.

    It’s no different than the Dems serving up a non-threatening minority with a gleaming smile and a messiah complex.

    I laugh at people like you who expect politicians to be 100% perfect and principled people. They are just as self-interested as everyone else.

    I could care less how Palin has spent money on in her state. What you consider “responsible government” may very well be some pie-in-the-sky idealistic nonsense that only works in theory.

    I keep things simple and direct. I’m for most anybody that isn’t liberal, Democrat, Socialist, collectivist, Losertarian, or evangelical Christian. McCain and Palin fit the bill for me.

  4. Mike Licht Says:

    David Black: If you feel compelled to vote for incompetent, inept, proven liars who happen to spout your preferred rhetoric, good for you.

    If you have nothing more meaningful to say, please keep it for your own blog.

    Thanks.

  5. David Black Says:

    Whom do you prefer, if I may ask?

    Why am I the only blogger who isn’t interested in posting only what I agree with?

  6. Mike Licht Says:

    David Black:

    I have several regular commenters who have perspectives other than my own. If they do not have something of substance to contribute, they do not comment merely to say they disagree.

    A blog is not a chat room. Please learn the difference.

    A blog is about writing. In the past year I have written about every single candidate for the presidency in both major parties, often with gentle humor. I have done the same for Dr. Ron Paul, but not his adherents, whom I find either creepy or plain wacky.

    Like many bloggers and reporters, I spent a busy weekend looking into the brief record of the Mystery Guest Senator McCain invited to be his running mate. I am horrified that anyone would put Ms. Palin an elderly heartbeat away from the US Presidency. She has no understanding of or respect for the law. Her selection does not inspire confidence in Senator McCain’s judgment, and I am relieved he is no longer flying jets.

    Since there are six weeks before the presidential elections I am covering national politics more than I really care to. I have about a dozen posts on world affairs, the arts, and local DC issues backed up, and hope to post them soon.

  7. David Black Says:

    “A blog is not a chat room.”

    Then why permit user feedback?

    “A blog is about writing.”

    it seems that you take yourself and your blogging far too seriously. Too many people with a computer and an internet connection suddenly believe they are the second coming of Scotty Reston when it comes to opining on political issues.

  8. David Black Says:

    It seems that out of spite you aren’t going to support the ticket that is the only means defeat two flaming liberal Democrat morons.

    You aren’t interested in winning, it seems, but hung up holding to principles that don’t mean a damn to anyone except you. Wake up and stop being so naive.

  9. Mike Licht Says:

    David Black:

    I glanced at your blog; perhaps you could spend a bit more time working on your own writing. It is every bit as tiresome as your comments.

    If you require me to banish you from the site to feel like a successful human being, I will certainly oblige.

  10. David Black Says:

    My writing its fine. It just doesn’t reek enough of that tiresome populist whining and pro-common man cheerleading for your tastes.

  11. David Black Says:

    Hmmm, if you were on my blog, why didn’t you post some indignant remarks about the content if you disagreed with it??

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