Mike’s Big Money Politics: Sing Out!

Mike's Big Money Politics: Sing Out

Today Mike helps Mitt Romney. Mike last helped Rep. Tom Tancredo, and isn’t HE doing great!

The Founding Fathers of our great country believed that any wealthy man with a fervent belief in Democracy and Freedom, anyone who owned enough real estate and slaves, could be trusted to lead this Republic. While we don’t quite feel that way today – real estate is not doing well right now – it is still true that money is the life-blood of the Democratic Process.

After all, without funds a presidential candidate cannot afford to produce and distribute the mind-numbing television commercials, radio spots, newspaper ads, direct mail and robo-phone calls that underwrite our great media conglomerates and their vital tabloid journalism and riveting reality shows. It might even be said that U.S. politics is itself a reality show, which demonstrates how warped our sense of “realty” has become.

But it is a new dawn in America, where the Iowa Republican Caucus has just proven that all you have to do to is lose 130 pounds, get yourself appointed Governor, avoid becoming a lawyer, motivate an underground network of home-schooling parents and Bible-literalist church congregations, and you too can contend for the leadership of this great land.

That is why, crazy as it seems, I will now offer my invaluable help to multi-millionaire and former Governor Mitt Romney.

Mitt Romney is now the underdog in the 2008 Republican presidential fight. Son of an impoverished motor company chairman who became a three-term Michigan governor before he was appointed HUD Secretary by Nixon, Mitt Romney received a sketchy education at the Cranbrook Schools, BYU, Harvard Business School and Harvard Law School.

Without real skills, Romney was forced to work for Staples, Domino’s Pizza, Bright Horizons Childcare, Sealy, FTD Florists, Brookstone, Burlington Coat Factory, Michaels Stores, Clear Channel Communications and The Sports Authority. Well, um . . . actually, he formed a mult-million-dollar private equity firm that bought all those companies.

Anyway, he made enough money to afford to pursue public service and was elected Governor of Massachusetts, where he had formed Bain Capital, LLC after leaving Harvard. This history explains why his 2008 campaign fund-raising strategy looks like this:

Romney campaign fund-raising strategy

Gov. Romney has lots of foreign policy experience; not only did he run the Winter Olympics in Utah, but Bain Capital has branch offices in London, Munich, Hong Kong, Shanghai, Tokyo, and Chicago. Mr. Romney speaks fluent French after serving two years as a missionary in deepest pagan France for the Church of Latter Day Saints (Mormons). While this sacrificial service to his church miraculously kept him out of Vietnam, this religious devotion now presents a campaign conundrum.

Mr. Romney, fearing his faith might be an issue in the 2008 presidential campaign, went out of his way to make sure his faith would be an issue in the 2008 presidential campaign. The result: he was defeated in Iowa by an Evolution-denyer (denier?) who he outspent 20 times over.

That is why the Governor needs my help. He needs a way to convince the majority of the American people (who care so much about religion that they stay home and watch football each Sunday) that his personal religious beliefs are not a threat to the nation or Christianity. Nothing like putting a few bucks in something to make it persuasive, so Governor Romney, you know the band; produce and sell these recordings:

Suggested campaign strategy for Mitt Romney

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