Shocking Terror Attacks, New Security Measures

Shocking Terror Attacks, New Security Measures

Terrorists have struck again at electrical transmission lines and transformer stations, the soft underbelly of America’s power grid. Shocking suicide attacks have caused four power outages in the last two months at the peaceful campus of the University of Kentucky at Lexington, according to the Kentucky Kernel.

The university has budgeted $100,000 for security measures, according to Richard McClure, physical plant division manager. “We’ve had that problem on and off for several years,” he said.

“You’ll find that campuses around the country are facing this same problem,” said Bob Wiseman, UK’s vice president for facilities management. “I think some people on campus think we’re making this up.”

As in recent similar attacks in Wisconsin and Michigan, the Kentucky kamikazes have only been identified as “squirrels.”  The exact affiliation of the attackers (eastern gray squirrel, Sciurus carolinensis, northern fox squirrel, Sciurus niger, or flying squirrel, Glaucomys volans) has been withheld, perhaps on orders from the Department of Homeland Security.

In all cases the squirrels jumped onto transformer station insulators and wiring while touching metal supports and were killed instantly. UK has installed 841 dome-shaped squirrel guards over insulators at three power substations. Another state agency recommends sheet metal guards, shotguns loaded with #6 shot shells or .22 caliber rifles.

Security Measure UK

Unhappy with poor government terrorism response, “citizen militias” have emerged. These include the Anti Squirrel Coalition, Defenders against the Squirrel takeover of Earth, People against Satanic Squirrels, and Squirrel Attack Prevention Program. They track terrorist movements, offer counterinsurgency support, and trade recipes.


Image (top) by Mike Licht. Squirrel brains and eggs: Breakfast of Champions.

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2 Responses to “Shocking Terror Attacks, New Security Measures”

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