Mike’s Big Money Politics: Blast-Off!

 In today’s installment, Mike helps Bill Richardson.

The pursuit of higher office in America demands dedication, sacrifice, vision, endurance, and belief in Democracy and oneself. It also requires pollsters, spinmeisters, hucksters, advance men, and enough simoleans to send every kid in the country through Harvard. And medical school.

Most of this money is donated by people inspired by the spirit of the Founding Fathers, those gifted men who wrote the Declaration of Independence, Constitution and Bill of Rights, endlessly debating concepts of Liberty and Freedom while their slaves, servants, tenants and women did all the work.

Major political donors sacrifice their personal funds and those of relatives and subordinates because they truly believe there is only one candidate, one man or woman in a nice suit met at cocktails or dinner, who has the vision and ability needed to protect and defend our revered tax loopholes and arcane federal contracting regulations. Of course they give a bit to the other guys too, in case they win.

Candidate and donor alike are challenged by that pesky Federal Elections Commission and annoying penal codes. There is also relentless media scrutiny from ungrateful scribblers and pundits, as if the millions paid for campaign advertising didn’t provide their inflated, undeserved salaries.

The candidate’s conundrum: how to raise the exorbitant sums needed to gain office while avoiding loan sharks and the penitentiary. I am attempting to assist the current crop of Democratic and Republican presidential primary candidates by developing alternative, personalized fundraising strategies for them in lieu of sending them cash. I have already helped Senator Clinton (D-NY) and former Senator Thompson (R-NBC) who are undoubtedly so busy using my valuable advice that they don’t have time to thank me (please, no flowers).

Today I’ll help Bill Richardson.

Governor Bill Richardson (D-NM) is the only dimpled, overweight Mexican-American candidate running in the Democratic Presidential primaries. Except for the dimples, none of these attributes will help in the polls and even dimples can’t be turned into cash.

New Mexico is a poor state whose rich residents only contribute to the Santa Fe Opera. Roswell, the famed UFO terminal, is in Bill’s state but he can’t offer donors flying saucer rides at $100,000 a pop because aliens, even from Alpha Centauri, cannot legally make campaign contributions, and rides on his horse Sunshine just aren’t the same.

Bill has an impressive record in energy policy and foreign affairs, but both seem regarded as liabilities by the Democratic Party. Looking at his record as New Mexico’s Governor I find one marketable ray of hope: his controversial development of a commercial spaceport in the southern part of his state. This may not appeal to many businessmen at present, who have enough trouble making mortgage payments and buying Ferraris with worthless American dollars, but it will galvanize the tens of millions of U.S. sofa spuds and cocooners who make computer game software a multi-billion dollar industry.

Governor, market this game:

The game is like an updated version of the classic Flight Simulator but with variables a real administrator faces staying within budget, racing against the clock and Teamsters’ union to get the job done despite employees who are too busy reading blogs to . . . forget that last part.

The point of the game is to load freight on the rocket, blast off, and steer it successfully to other commercial spaceports in  . . . um . . . to other commercial spaceports. The rocket freight company might be called Pony Express for obvious reasons.

To broaden the appeal of the game and bring it into line with beliefs of most Americans, the space aliens who hang around nearby Roswell should try to interfere with the enterprise. Why? Um, they don’t believe in Free Trade and want to maintain their monopoly on space commerce, okay?

There you are Governor. That should fund your campaign and a couple of celebratory sub-orbital space flights if you win.

Image by Mike Licht and the sentient beings of far galaxies who are amazed at how we choose leaders to take them to.