U.S. Homeland Security forces are severely strained this weekend as zombies coordinate attacks across the country. The cause of this annual seasonal outbreak may be weaponized biohazards, caution epidemiologists, as they redouble their search to isolate a “Zombie Flu” virus.
The assault is on. Raiders from the extremist Sciurus carolinensisgroup are attacking the vulnerable U.S. electric power infrastructure, paralyzing the nation and plunging Americans into darkness. In Virginia. In New Jersey. In Nebraska and Washington State.
Pregnant terrorists are infiltrating America to give birth to baby bombers, reports Congressman Louie Gohmert (R, TX-1). Mr. Gohmert, ranking Republican on the subcommittee on Crime, Terrorism and Homeland Security, announced this on the House floor:
The car bomb in Times Square was discovered by street vendors Lance Orton and Duane Jackson. Suburban visitors often think of street life as a nuisance, but city dwellers know it can mean safety. Now you do, too.
The NYC Government sells replica street signs like the one pictured. Mayor Bloomberg paid us nothing to mention that.
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A terrorist crashed a small aircraft into a Texas office building last Thursday, killing Vernon Hunter, age 68, a civil servant. Mr. Hunter served 20 years in the United States Army, including two tours of duty in Vietnam. He was a father and grandfather, an usher at Austin’s Greater Mount Zion Baptist Church. His wife, a co-worker, was in the burning building when he died.
Many public figures were too busy praising the killer as a “hero” to mourn Mr. Hunter’s passing.
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Peaceful poultry lovers in the Urban Chicken Movement seek regulations permitting backyard fowl raising, but some activists are takin’ it to the streets. Hell-raising hens are on the loose across the country.
Radical movements flourish on college campuses, and this one is no exception. Emulating an extremist indigenous group at Harvard, a rogue chicken staged a lengthy occupation at Concordia University Chicago. Known only by the code name “Rocky,” the elusive avian anarchist was finally subdued and brought to a detention camp in Palos Park, Illinois for waterboardingfricaseeing interrogation.
The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) is considering mandatory use of full-body scanners for examination of passengers boarding at all airports. Here’s one reason: TSA is a wholly owned subsidiary of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS), and Michael Chertoff, former DHS director, is a shill for a body-scanner manufacturer.
While use of airport body scanners may not actually prevent acts of terrorism, purchasing them is sound public policy. When airports discard the useless machines, they can be re-sold to hospitals and clinics at a discount, which will dramatically reduce the cost of medical imaging.
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The elf at Southlake Mall cut into the line of kids waiting to see Santa. Five feet tall and 108 pounds, he was dressed in tights and a red-and-green jacket with jingle bells. He carried two duffel bags, and told Santa they were full of dynamite.
Santa called mall security and headed through the food court, towards the North Pole. Police were called, the mall evacuated, and the bomb squad searched the elf’s bags.
The elf, 45-year-old William Caldwell, told a fib — there was no dynamite. Gonna get lumps of coal in his little stocking this Christmas. He’s also in jail, charged with suspicion of creating false public alarm, reckless conduct, terrorist threats and acts, possession of a hoax device, and aggravated breach of Holiday Spirit.
