Disgraced former Speaker Newt Gingrich is vying for Intergalactic Republican Supremacy in Tuesday’s primary battle for Truth, Justice, Adultery and the American Way. “America has a destiny in space,” Mr. Gingrich bravely told a crowd of aerospace engineers at the U.S. Space and Rocket Center in Huntsville. No odds on what he dealt out to casino workers in Biloxi.
Let’s face it, disgraced ex-Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich isn’t going to be the Republican presidential candidate, let alone the next U.S. President. Frankly, after the kind of things he’s been saying, no one on Earth would give him a job.
Of course, Mr. Gingrich would rather slip the bonds of Earth for a job in outer space, as despot ruler of his Moon Base. But lunar colonies are too expensive and illegal and, in any case, the man doesn’t have any kind of executive experience. There may be a related opportunity, however, and Newt Gingrich has the perfect résumé and wardrobe. He would make a great maître d’ at the Orbital Playboy Club on the Virgin Galactic Space Station.
Related:
“Is moon base really the ‘weirdest’ Newt Gingrich idea? Maybe not.” Peter Grier, Christian Science Monitor
“Newt Gingrich’s Fantasy Campaign—and the Fictions That Gave Rise to It,” Jeet Heer, The Atlantic
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We are now on the final 48-hour countdown to Blast-Off in the Florida Republican Primary. Space Commander Newton Leroy Gingrich hopes to go where no man has gone before, from congressional disgrace to the White House. Mitt Romney hopes this will be Newt’s Final Frontier.
We hope to hear from Mission Control after the Florida polls close Tuesday at 7:00 PM.
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Newt Gingrich, disgraced ex-Speaker of the House, addressed GOP voters on Florida’s Space Coast this week, so of course he spoke of reviving the area’s aerospace industry by colonizing the Moon. Perhaps he’ll campaign in Nevada in support of gambling and whorehouses.
But Mr. Gingrich has soared through the deep void of space since 1984, when he, along with David Drake and 2nd ex-wife Marianne, published Window of Opportunity: A Blueprint for the Future. Today, copies of that volume sell for as much as 66 cents.
In a daring political move, the White House has issued a statement denying the existence of space aliens on Earth. With this act, President Obama risks offending extraterrestial voters, an important swing bloc (especially in Roswell NM and Nevada’s Area 51). Democratic Party operatives probably figure that E.T.s will support one of their own, like Michele Bachmann, anyway.
The official statement on space aliens was written by Phil Larsen of the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy. Mr. Larsen wrote in response to online petitions from supporters of Rep. Ron Paul demanding recogition of space alien Personhood and E.T. voting rights.
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“The United States government offers tax incentives to companies pursuing medical breakthroughs, urban redevelopment and alternatives to fossil fuels.
It also provides tax breaks for a company whose hit video game this year was the gory Dead Space 2, which challenges players to advance through an apocalyptic battlefield by killing space zombies.”
– “Rich Tax Breaks Bolster Makers of Video Games,” David Kocieniewski, New York Times
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Former Astronaut Lisa Nowak was retired from the U.S. Navy under conditions “less than honorable” last week. The former Navy Captain had flown on Space Shuttle Discovery in July 2006, operating the robotic arms of the shuttle and the International Space Station. She also operated a complex personal life, culminating in 2007 with a 900 mile non-stop drive from Houston to Orlando to confront Air Force Captain Colleen Shipman, a romantic rival for the affections of former space shuttle pilot Bill Oefelein.
Just before dawn today, U.S. astronauts folded their tray tables and returned their seats to an upright position as the Space Shuttle Atlantis touched down on Runway 15 at the Kennedy Space Center. After five decades, our long National Space Stunt is over. Designed by Dr. Evel Knievel, the U.S. manned space effort sent humans into the cold void of space to definitively prove … um, that humans could go into space. Perhaps NASA will actually devote some of its funds to science now.
To boldly go where no man has gone before …. Manned space flight presents a unique set of challenges. When you go to into space, sooner or later you have to … well, go. The International Space Station has presented a unique challenge to waste-removal engineers: the zero-gravity toilet.
(Artist’s concept)
The geriatric space shuttle Atlantis wheezed into the International Space Station without calling for a tow. This is a considerable achievement for a 1985 vehicle, but it can be done if you sink enough money into it and forget about developing improved models. After all, new alternatives might not benefit the status quo, and we can’t have that.
