Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Turkey Torching Tips for Guys

November 22, 2013

Turkey Torching Tips for Guys

The National Fire Protection Association claims “turkey fryers that use oil, as currently designed, are not suitable for acceptably safe use by even a well-informed and careful consumer.” Wimps! Next Thursday is Thanksgiving, when we give thanks for college football and a four-day weekend. That’s when Real American Men generate Code Orange air quality by incinerating poultry on the patio. Yeah, buddy!

Any pantywaist can cook on those SUV-sized natural gas, propane, electric, or gelignite-powered barbecue grills with all those fancy features (good subwoofers can help spread sauce evenly, though). Nah, let’s get ready to deep-fry us some turkey. Here’s how:

1. Put Fire Department on Speed-Dial. Keep your cell phone in your welding apron pocket. It is unwise to enter a flaming residence to use the telephone.

2. Purchase more equipment. You can never have enough Real Guy outdoor cooking gear. Buy some new stuff at Home Depot first. Forget about those electronic gizmos from Leading Edge, you can never read their LCD screens outdoors anyway. Williams-Sonoma? Isn’t that the California wine the wife likes?

3. Don’t forget the turkey. It should be big enough to bother messing with. Double-check to make sure you are not buying a goat or lamb.

4. Check interior compartment of poultry (note: light does not go on automatically; use your Maglite). Any paper-wrapped parcels inside will not contain Surprise Creme Filling. Remove; give to wife or cat. If the bird is frozen, use your Benz-0-Matic torch judiciously or the meat will be dry. At this point you may marinate the turkey in any fluid mixture as long as it contains beer.

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Nuts! The Threat to Our Nation’s Infrastructure

September 23, 2013

Nuts! The Threat to Our Nation's Infrastructure

For years now we’ve told you, and told you, and told you yet again about a persistent threat to America’s infrastructure. Now that the New York Times has caught up, maybe now you’ll listen.

This year there have been stealth attacks on the electric power grid in Virginia, Illinois, Delaware, Virginia, Oregon, Ohio, Maryland, and dozens of places across the country, and they continue. These attacks on electrical substations are predictable and avoidable, yet nothing is done to avert them. Perhaps if we claim they are caused by Iranian hackers we can get relief.

More:

“Squirrel Power!” Jon Mooallem, New York Times

“Squirrels and electricity: A shocking problem,” Bruce Kennedy, MSN Money

“How squirrels are screwing with America’s power grid,” Katie Drummond, The Verge

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Short link: http://wp.me/p6sb6-hsm

Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not obscene. Comments may be edited for clarity and length.

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Kill The Groundhog!

March 23, 2013

Kill the Groundhog!

Remember February 2nd? This cute This little This hairy creature in Pennsylvania promised us an early spring. Well it didn’t happen, and Prosecutor Mike Gmoser of Butler County, Ohio has indicted the critter. Mr. Gmoser thinks this is a capital offense and wants that groundhog’s hide.

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Great Art on Mashable

December 5, 2012

Great Art on Mashable

For you connoisseurs of the visual arts, Amanda Wills curates a collection of 16 masterpiece mashups from the NotionsCapital Flickr stream, with a brief explanation of our Digital Primitive aesthetic. Whistler’s Mommy-Blogger (above) didn’t make the cut, and it looks like she’s not pleased about it.

“If History’s Greatest Artists Used Microsoft Paint…” Amanda Wills, Mashable

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Short Link: 

Image (“Whistler’s Mommy-Blogger”) by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not boring or obscene. Comments may be edited for clarity and length.

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Turkey Carving Tips for Real Guys

November 21, 2012

Turkey Carving Tips for Real Guys
Oh no! Despite reading Turkey Torching Tips for Guys you have a great big, fully cooked, deep-fried Thanksgiving turkey on your hands. You examine it minutely and discover there’s no little red zip tab to open so you can take out slices. What now?

That’s some big old avian cadaver you got there, buddy. There’s only one manly way to divvy it up. That’s right: chainsaw.

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Turkey Torching Tips for Guys

November 20, 2012

Turkey Torching Tips for Guys
The National Fire Protection Association claims “turkey fryers that use oil, as currently designed, are not suitable for acceptably safe use by even a well-informed and careful consumer.” Wimps! Thursday is Thanksgiving, when we give thanks for college football and a four-day weekend. That’s when Real American Men generate Code Orange air quality by incinerating poultry on the patio.

Any pantywaist can cook on those SUV-sized natural gas, propane, electric, or gelignite-powered barbecue grills with all those fancy features (good subwoofers can help spread sauce evenly, though). Nah, let’s get ready to deep-fry some turkey. Here’s how:

1. Put Fire Department on Speed-Dial. Keep your cell phone in your welding apron pocket. It is unwise to enter a flaming residence to use the telephone.

2. Purchase more equipment. You can never have enough Real Guy outdoor cooking gear. Buy some new stuff at Home Depot first. Forget about those electronic gizmos at Leading Edge, you can never read their LCD screens outdoors anyway. Williams-Sonoma? Isn’t that the California wine the wife likes?

3. Don’t forget the turkey. It should be big enough to bother messing with. Double-check to make sure you are not buying a goat or lamb.

4. Check interior compartment of poultry (note: light does not go on automatically; use your Maglite). Any paper-wrapped parcels inside do not contain Surprise Creme Filling. Remove; give to wife or cat. If the bird is frozen, use your Benz-0-Matic torch judiciously or the meat will be dry. At this point you may marinate the turkey in any fluid mixture as long as it contains beer.

(more…)

Rover Lands on Mars, Discovers Ample Parking

August 6, 2012

Rover Lands on Mars, Discovers Ample Parking

NASA’s Curiosity Rover vehicle made a successful landing on the surface of Mars yesterday and immediately found a parking space. Preliminary data from the rover suggest an abundance of parking places on the surface of the Red Planet. Scientists at California’s Jet Propulsion Lab are already calculating the feasibility of bringing the parking spaces back to Earth and installing them in major metropolitan areas. Savings in parking fines alone would recoup the cost of the Mars mission ten-fold.

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Short Link: http://wp.me/p6sb6-dL8

Image by Mike Licht & NASA. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not boring or obscene. Comments may be edited for clarity and length.

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The YouTube Collection

April 1, 2012

Available April 1, 2012.

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Short Link:  http://wp.me/p6sb6-cUV

Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not boring or obscene. Comments may be edited for clarity and length.

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St. Pratie’s Day

March 17, 2012

St. Pratie's Day

St. Patrick is a patron of Ireland. March 17th, the liturgical Feast of St. Patrick, almost always occurs during the Lenten fast. Think about it.

And think about the potato (Solanum tuberosum; Gaelic “práta,” anglicized to “pratie“). Successful introduction of this New World crop bolstered the Irish countryside; the crop failures of the Potato Famine sent Irishmen to America; the Irish-American secular observance of St. Patrick’s Day was exported back to Ireland. Faith and Begorrah! And you thought “Globalization’ was new.

Read Gregory McNamee’s excellent post on the Britannica blog, and stop by the Potato Museum on your way back from the pub.

Sure an’ all, wee Mr. Potato Head® is a registered trademark of Hasbro, Inc.,  used here under the “satire” provision of the Fair Use doctrine, dontcha know.  Mr. Head is a Yank “Baby Boomer,” but clean the paidrín up and he makes a proper little leprechaun.

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Short link: http://wp.me/p6sb6-cNk

Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not obscene. Comments may be edited for clarity and length.

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Visiting Santa? Call for Directions.

December 9, 2011

Visiting Santa? Call for Directions.

If you plan on visiting Santa Claus in his polar workshop this season, better call that jolly old elf for directions. You may have trouble finding his place on your own:

“Adjust your compass now: the north pole is migrating to Russia,” Guy Adams, The Independent.

___________________

Short Link: http://wp.me/p6sb6-bLw

Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not boring or obscene. Comments may be edited for clarity and length. Yes, we know a GPS uses satellite navigation and not magnetism, but electronics are funnier.

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