A San Antonio Taco Bell customer, enraged that Beefy Crunch Burritos had gone up in price, fired an air gun at an employee and an assault rifle at police officers before barricading himself in a motel room. After a three-hour Mexican-food standoff, a police SWAT team eventually subdued the suspect, Ricardo Jones, 37, by using gas. Officers may have used jalapeño pepper gas.
A pizza a day keeps the Reaper away, at least in Memphis. That’s where Domino’s delivery driver Susan Guy noticed that 82-year-old Jean Wilson hadn’t ordered her daily Large-Thin-Crust-Pepperoni-With-2-Diet-Cokes in three whole days. Horrified, Ms. Guy alerted the authorities, who found the elderly pizza fan collapsed on the floor, and rushed her a hot, Double Cheese — um, no, rushed her to the hospital, where she’s doing fine. Except for the food.
Yet more proof the US doesn’t need your so-called “health care reform.” The private sector is doing just fine. Call 911 – thirty minutes, or it’s free.
Valentine’s Day 2011. The economy is in the pits but hearts still soar. Here are some Valentines Day ideas for our times:
Papa John’s Heart-Shaped Valentine’s Pizza
Candle-lit dinner at Waffle House
Valentines Day dinner at White Castle
Valentine’s Day at KFC Hawaii
Omnia vincit amor (your mileage may vary).
Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com
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At first we thought McDonald’s had opened a UK franchise of famed Hamburger University. The Oak Brook, Illinois campus flips out 5,000 students a year (over 80,000 served), but doesn’t have much of a football team.
Britain’s Manchester Metropolitan University has it’s own McDonald’s degree program, though. The university’s Business School also runs degree programs for Tesco supermarkets and Booth’s. The latter is either for Booth’s supermarkets or Booth’s Gin.
Attention U.S. exchange students: “Chips” means “fries” in Blighty, “chips” are “crisps,” and the drive-thru window is on the wrong side of the building. Start studying now.
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New York photographer Sallie Davies put the hamburger from a McDonald’s Happy Meal® on her windowsill on April 10th and started taking pictures of it. After six months it was a little smaller and darker but it did not rot.
In the ensuing uproar, edibles archeologists discovered a 12-year-old McDonald’s hamburger and a 21-year-old burger. The implied or overt claims of the fossil fast food curators, that over-processing and drugs or preservatives halted the hamburgers’ decay, was emphatically denied by McDonald’s.
Above: What McRibs are made from.
McDonald’s has resurrected the McRib. It’s ”a ghost of fast food past,” says Salon’s Francis Lam, an historic and “important advancement in Postmodern Simulacra Cuisine.” Japan has Kanikama (imitation crab); America has McRib.
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The employment situation has been pretty grim, but things are looking up for one older employee. Despite rumors to the contrary, Ronald McDonald is keeping his job.
Mr. McDonald has been working at the same job for 50 years, but that clown never tires of luring young children into the wonderful world of obesity and type 2 diabetes. Ronald will never retire. It’s not the pay, it’s the job satisfaction.
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Nutrition activists want to retire Ronald McDonald, fast food corporate spokesclown since 1963. Critics claim his TV ads target children and lure innocent infants into obesity by making unhealthy foods look like fun. They want Ronald to saddle up Joe Camel and ride into the sunset.
It could be worse for the burger-mongering buffoon. A crazed Internet mob has stormed Sesame Street, trying to starve Cookie Monster to death. Ronald is in no danger there; he’s no longer welcome in that neighborhood.
Is Mr. McDonald already history? Even now, youngsters are auditioning for his job:
China sent the U.S. 83,000 college and graduate students this year. We sent China Hamburger U.
The McDonald’s Corporation opened its prestigious management training facility in Shanghai on Tuesday. There are over a thousand Mickey Ds in the nation of 1.3 billion and plans for thousands more. China’s new Hamburger University expects to serve up 5,000 graduates in the next five years.
The fellow in the yellow suit is a registered trademark of McDonald’s, used here under the parody provisions of the Fair Use Doctrine. NotionsCapital received no promotional consideration for this, not even a Red Bean Pie.
Image (“Glorious Joint Venture Feeds the Masses”) by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com
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