Spring Break

“Like Western democracy, Socratic philosophy, written histories, epic poetry, and every other foundational pillar of high culture, spring break began in ancient Greece.

Called ‘Anthestreria’ by the local teens, and their parents, it was a festival dedicated to Dionysus, the god of wine and whoopee and just about every excuse to party. For three days, people would dance, singers would perform, women would deck themselves with flowers, and Greek men would compete to see who could be the fastest to drain a cup of red wine.”

– ”2,000 Years of Partying: The Brief History and Economics of Spring Break,” Derek Thompson, The Atlantic

No wonder Greek letter societies are so keen on Spring Break.

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Image (“Glad Day for Surfin,’ after William ‘Hodad’ Blake”) by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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Free Elmo!

“The man who accused Kevin Clash, the voice and puppeteer of the Sesame Street character Elmo, of an under-age sexual relationship has recanted that claim, his lawyer said on Tuesday.

The reversal came a day after the claim was published by the gossip Web site TMZ, threatening Mr. Clash’s reputation and alarming parents and other fans of the beloved children’s television franchise.”

General Petraeus: ‘I’ve Got a Secret’

David Petraeus, retired four-star general and married man of 37 years, stepped down as CIA Director on Friday, admitting to an unwise extramarital affair. President Obama accepted his resignation.

Upon learning that a government official committed adultery, the American people had two questions. The first: “So what?” Expect plenty of questions from Republican congressmen, though, particularly those who’ve been caught in bed with women not their wives.

 Everyone has a second question ….

Dinesh D’Souza Teaches Adultery 101

In 2010, conspiracy loon and propaganda producer Dinesh D’Souza was appointed President of The King’s College, a Christian institution of higher yearning located near a holy Republican shrine, the New York Stock Exchange, and funded by the Campus Crusade for Christ.  Mr. D’Sousa got a million dollars a year to run the evangelical college in between churning out books and movies and making well-paid speaking engagements and media appearances where he spoke about ethics, faith, and morality. Somehow he found time in his busy schedule to leave his wife for someone else’s wife, a young woman whom he’s been introducing as his “fiancée.” Now, that’s family values. Praise the Lord!

This situation was revealed by the evangelical Christian World Magazine. Naturally Mr. D’Sousa claimed it was all a conspiracy, but he was forced to resign anyway.

Panda Passion

There’s romance in the air at the Edinburgh Zoo, but it’s in the minds of zookeepers, not in the hearts of the pair of pandas they hope to breed. Tian Tian and Yang Guang (“Sunshine” and “Sweetie”) got together on a brief date which included a cuddle, but cupid’s arrow missed its mark. The Sun has video (the swine).

The female panda only goes into heat for 1 day a year, leaving 364 when she’s JUST NOT IN THE MOOD thankyouverymuch. Pass the bamboo, please.

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Penetrating Politics in Virginia

Virginia Republicans want to keep government out of your business – except if you’re a woman. Republicans in the Virginia Senate voted to force pregnant women to have ultrasound probes stuck up their ladybusiness before they can terminate pregnancies.

Virginia Republicans are against healthcare mandates – except if you’re a woman. Women would be forced to pay for their own forced transvaginal ultrasound probes, too.

For some reason, Virginia Republicans were surprised when their plans were met with outrage, ridicule, and the withheld affection of their own wives. Governor Bob McDonnell has since withdrawn his support for the forced, intrusive physical violations. It’s a shame, in a way, now that they’ve made up all those Bob McDonnell commemorative transvaginal probes.

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What a Pair

Foot fetishes flourish during epidemics of sexually-transmitted diseases, according to a 1998 study. The paper, published in the PubMed database of the National Center for Biotechnology Information (NCBI), was unearthed by the Discovery Magazine Discoblog:

Thoughts of Women Stupify Male Brains

“Casually mentioning a female instead of a male name was sufficient to impair men’s cognitive performance,” according to a research team from Radboud University in the Netherlands. “Moreover, these effects occur even if men do not get information about the woman’s attractiveness.”

When heterosexual males interact with attractive women, they put so much effort into trying to make a good impression that they don’t have the resources left to think clearly. Caveat: by “males” the scientists mean their usual research animals, university students.

More:

“Sex on the Brain Proves Costly for Men,” Tom Jacobs, Miller-McCune

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South Carolina GOP: Adulterer 1, Mormon 0

In today’s South Carolina Republican primary, the state’s pious values voters have spoken. Better a disgraced career politician and thrice-married admitted adulterer than a member of the Latter Day Saints. GOP voters understand adultery just fine, but not Mormon theology (who does?).

Attacking the media helped, too.

Q: “Will Angry White Man Performance Win Gingrich GOP Nomination?”

A: Yup.

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Gingrich Family Values

While in Charleston debating family values and ideological purity with GOP rivals, Newton Leroy Gingrich found himself debating Ex-Wife #2 on what to call his adultery. In an interview with Brian Ross of ABC News, Marianne Gingrich claimed Mr. Gingrich, revealing his 6-year affair with then-employee Callista Bisek, asked her for an “open marriage.”  The happy couple divorced in 1999. Callista Bisek is now Gingrich Wife #3.

Mr. Gingrich, disgraced former Speaker of the House, angrily denied the “Open Marriage” charge before God and the television audience.  He apparently prefers to call his adultery something else. No word on what he called it when he cheated on Wife #1 with Marianne in much the same fashion.