Oh no! Despite reading Turkey Torching Tips for Guys you have a great big, fully cooked, deep-fried Thanksgiving turkey on your hands. You examine it minutely and discover there’s no little red zip tab to open so you can take out slices. What now?
That’s some big old avian cadaver you got there, buddy. There’s only one manly way to divvy it up. That’s right: chainsaw.
The National Fire Protection Association claims “turkey fryers that use oil, as currently designed, are not suitable for acceptably safe use by even a well-informed and careful consumer.” Wimps! Thursday is Thanksgiving, when we give thanks for college football and a four-day weekend. That’s when Real American Men generate Code Orange air quality by incinerating poultry on the patio.
Any pantywaist can cook on those SUV-sized natural gas, propane, electric, or gelignite-powered barbecue grills with all those fancy features (good subwoofers do help spread sauce evenly, though). Nah, let’s get ready to deep-fry some turkey. Here’s how:
1. Put Fire Department on Speed-Dial. Keep your cell phone in your welding apron pocket. It is unwise to enter a flaming residence to use the telephone.
2. Purchase more equipment. You can never have enough Real Guy outdoor cooking gear. Buy some new stuff at Home Depot first. Don’t bother with those electronic gizmos at Leading Edge; you can never read the LCD screens outdoors anyway. Williams-Sonoma? Isn’t that the California wine the wife likes?
3. Don’t forget the turkey. Make sure it is big enough to bother with. Double-check to make sure you are not buying a goat or lamb.
This is Labor Day, ceremonial Last Day of Summer in the USA. On this three-day weekend, adult American men are obliged to offer up sacrifices to their gods, incinerating animal flesh outdoors near their homes. Families and neighbors consume the charred remains, washing them down with libations of fermented grain or carbonated sugar-water.
This custom is said to bridge cultural differences and promote family and community cohesion, but the ceremony has a grave, unstated purpose. If American men do not burn meat for them on Labor Day, the angry gods will not end summer, preventing the start of the new football season.
In the beginning was the pea shooter. Boy-men of the late Neolithic placed dried peas in hollow reeds and propelled them by breath at wild beasts — each other. Curious kids may have tried large-bore chickpea models, but the weapon remained virtually unchanged until the Twentieth Century, when bored schoolboys constructed long-range, accurate, non-pneumatic peashooters from mechanical pencils or Bic pens and elastic bands. The Alimentary Arms Race had begun.
“The proper study of Mankind is Man,” claims the poet, but academic opinions differ on just how to go about it. Male Studies or Men’s Studies?
The Men’s Studies movement grew out of (or along with) the National Organization for Men Against Sexism. NOMAS is “pro-feminist, gay affirmative, anti-racist, dedicated to enhancing men’s lives.”
Too touchy-feely for you, bubba? If you study men and boyz without constant references to gals or “Gender Studies,” that’s Male Studiies. Now on Facebook.
More:
“Male Studies vs. Men’s Studies,” Jennifer Epstein, InsideHigherEd.com
Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com
Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not boring or obscene. Comments may be edited for clarity and length.
Louann Brizendine, MD is author of The Male Brain, which “demystifies the puzzling male brain.” So does our illustration (above).
Dr. Brizendine, a psychiatrist and clinical professor of psychiatry at UCSF, was recently interviewed on CNN. Excerpt:
“Perhaps the biggest difference between the male and female brain is that men have a sexual pursuit area that is 2.5 times larger than the one in the female brain.“
The rest is commentary. She notes that it is biochemistry, not bad manners, that causes men to stare at women’s breasts, but does not mention Boobquake.
Dr. Brizendine is on Twitter. Ladies: to avoid irreversible damage to the male brain, please do not tweet from bed until the guy gets up to use the bathroom.
Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com
Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not boring or obscene. Comments may be edited for clarity and length.
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Oh no! Despite reading Turkey Torching Tips for Guys, you have a great big, fully-cooked, deep-fried Thanksgiving turkey on your hands. You examine it minutely and discover there is no little red zip tab to open so you can take out slices. What now?
That’s some big old avian cadaver you got there, buddy. There’s only one manly way to divvy it up. That’s right: chainsaw.
The fairytale story of Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi (72) enters a new chapter as his wife’s divorce case provides charming details of his affection for young women. Very young women (under age 18).
The wealthy Berlusconi controls the Italian media, so it is no surprise that he was able to surpress publication of photographs of topless female guests at his New Year’s Eve party (known locally as la Sagra Della Rana).
Read about it here, in la Repubblica, or on the tabloid front page of your choice.
Sì, sì, the age of consent in Italy is 16 (14 on Saturday night) but this guy is 72 years old.
Der Froschkönig (the Frog Prince, AT Type 440) is best-known through the work of Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm; images trademarked by Disney Studios , used here under satire provisions of the Fair Use Doctrine (speaking of provisions, see Rane in Guazzetto). Berlusconi caricature courtesy of Interventi di Chirurgia Estetica Soci.
This Sunday we the people will remain faithful to the ideals of our forebears and true to our Tostitos. On that day we plant ourselves like torpid tubers on every upholstered surface of our land because we have chosen hope and beer over fear, unity of purpose and bean dip over conflict and discord.
This year we spectate amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. The challenges we face are real. The Steelers? Sure. But Arizona? St. Louis in exile? Puh-leez. What’s up with that? Perhaps Nobel laureate Al Gore can explain it; not us.
That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of sports handicappers. Sunday’s point spread was clearly devised by AIG, Citibank, and Bernard Madoff.
(Excuse us a moment, ladies.)
Yo, dudes.
Jalopnik‘s Andrew Didorosi closes out 2008 with insightful analysis of the auto-motives of American males, comparing dreams and realities.
Best rear-end year-end car review ever.
Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com
Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not obscene. Comments are subject to editing for clarity and length.
