Archive for the ‘cooking’ Category

Turkey Torching Tips for Guys

November 22, 2013

Turkey Torching Tips for Guys

The National Fire Protection Association claims “turkey fryers that use oil, as currently designed, are not suitable for acceptably safe use by even a well-informed and careful consumer.” Wimps! Next Thursday is Thanksgiving, when we give thanks for college football and a four-day weekend. That’s when Real American Men generate Code Orange air quality by incinerating poultry on the patio. Yeah, buddy!

Any pantywaist can cook on those SUV-sized natural gas, propane, electric, or gelignite-powered barbecue grills with all those fancy features (good subwoofers can help spread sauce evenly, though). Nah, let’s get ready to deep-fry us some turkey. Here’s how:

1. Put Fire Department on Speed-Dial. Keep your cell phone in your welding apron pocket. It is unwise to enter a flaming residence to use the telephone.

2. Purchase more equipment. You can never have enough Real Guy outdoor cooking gear. Buy some new stuff at Home Depot first. Forget about those electronic gizmos from Leading Edge, you can never read their LCD screens outdoors anyway. Williams-Sonoma? Isn’t that the California wine the wife likes?

3. Don’t forget the turkey. It should be big enough to bother messing with. Double-check to make sure you are not buying a goat or lamb.

4. Check interior compartment of poultry (note: light does not go on automatically; use your Maglite). Any paper-wrapped parcels inside will not contain Surprise Creme Filling. Remove; give to wife or cat. If the bird is frozen, use your Benz-0-Matic torch judiciously or the meat will be dry. At this point you may marinate the turkey in any fluid mixture as long as it contains beer.

(more…)

Kitten In A Microwave!

September 12, 2013

Kitten In A Microwave

Two teenage girls from Maine put an 8-week-old kitten in a microwave oven and turned it on. What next? They put the video on Twitter, of course. Talk about your mean girls ….

The kitten survived and was taken to an animal shelter. The 15-year-old girls, South Portland High School students, were charged with animal cruelty.

Kitten in a microwave! Where’d they get that horrible idea?

(more…)

Labor Day Weekend: REAL Men Grill Meat

September 1, 2013

Labor Day Weekend: REAL Men Grill Meat

This is Labor Day Weekend, ceremonial End of Summer in the USA. During this three-day holiday adult American men are obliged to offer up sacrifices to their gods, incinerating animal flesh outdoors behind their homes. Families and neighbors consume the charred remains, washing them down with copious libations of fermented grain or carbonated sugar-water.

This custom is said to bridge cultural differences and promote family and community cohesion, but the ceremony has a grave, unstated purpose. If American men do not burn meat for them on Labor Day, the angry gods will not end summer, preventing the start of the new pro football season.

More:

“Football: America’s national religion,” Chad Gibbs, Washington Post  blog.

“The Foodspin Cookout Reader,” Albert Burneko, Foodspin

“NFL Labor Day Cookout: Which Food Is Your Favorite Player Bringing?” Bailey Brautigan, Bleacher Report.

___________________

Short link: http://wp.me/p6sb6-hhh

Note: Canadian men sacrifice meat on “Labour Day,” which has something to do with their Ice Hockey cult. Or with Curling, maybe. Whatever that is.

Image (“BBQ Grill for Real Men”) by Mike Licht. Download a copy  here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not boring or obscene. Comments may be edited for clarity and length.

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Montana: ‘Let Them Eat Roadkill!’

February 24, 2013

Montana: 'Let Them Eat Roadkill!'

“There’s a lot of good roadkill that goes to waste currently. We’re just looking for something good for Montana so they can use the meat,” State Representative Steve Lavin (R-Kalispell) told the New York Daily News. The Montana House of Representatives passed the legislation 95-3, and the bill now heads to the kitchen State Senate.

Add to: Facebook | Digg | Del.icio.us | Stumbleupon | Reddit | Blinklist | Twitter | Technorati | Yahoo Buzz | Newsvine

______________________

Short link: http://wp.me/p6sb6-g18

Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not obscene. Comments may be edited for clarity and length.

American Food

February 17, 2013

American Food

Food: Transforming the American Table, 1950-2000

At the Smithsonian’s food exhibit Julia Child’s Kitchen gets the media attention, but there’s a lot more on the menu.

Food: Transforming the American Table, 1950-2000
National Museum of American History
1400 Constitution Ave NW
Washington, DC 20560

(map http://goo.gl/maps/We6f3 )

______________________

Short link: http://wp.me/p6sb6-fWT

Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not obscene. Comments may be edited for clarity and length.

Add to: Facebook | Digg | Del.icio.us | Stumbleupon | Reddit | Blinklist | Twitter | Technorati | Yahoo Buzz | Newsvine

Turkey Carving Tips for Real Guys

November 21, 2012

Turkey Carving Tips for Real Guys
Oh no! Despite reading Turkey Torching Tips for Guys you have a great big, fully cooked, deep-fried Thanksgiving turkey on your hands. You examine it minutely and discover there’s no little red zip tab to open so you can take out slices. What now?

That’s some big old avian cadaver you got there, buddy. There’s only one manly way to divvy it up. That’s right: chainsaw.

(more…)

Turkey Torching Tips for Guys

November 20, 2012

Turkey Torching Tips for Guys
The National Fire Protection Association claims “turkey fryers that use oil, as currently designed, are not suitable for acceptably safe use by even a well-informed and careful consumer.” Wimps! Thursday is Thanksgiving, when we give thanks for college football and a four-day weekend. That’s when Real American Men generate Code Orange air quality by incinerating poultry on the patio.

Any pantywaist can cook on those SUV-sized natural gas, propane, electric, or gelignite-powered barbecue grills with all those fancy features (good subwoofers can help spread sauce evenly, though). Nah, let’s get ready to deep-fry some turkey. Here’s how:

1. Put Fire Department on Speed-Dial. Keep your cell phone in your welding apron pocket. It is unwise to enter a flaming residence to use the telephone.

2. Purchase more equipment. You can never have enough Real Guy outdoor cooking gear. Buy some new stuff at Home Depot first. Forget about those electronic gizmos at Leading Edge, you can never read their LCD screens outdoors anyway. Williams-Sonoma? Isn’t that the California wine the wife likes?

3. Don’t forget the turkey. It should be big enough to bother messing with. Double-check to make sure you are not buying a goat or lamb.

4. Check interior compartment of poultry (note: light does not go on automatically; use your Maglite). Any paper-wrapped parcels inside do not contain Surprise Creme Filling. Remove; give to wife or cat. If the bird is frozen, use your Benz-0-Matic torch judiciously or the meat will be dry. At this point you may marinate the turkey in any fluid mixture as long as it contains beer.

(more…)

Labor Day Weekend: REAL Men Grill Meat

September 1, 2012

Labor Day Weekend: REAL Men Grill Meat
This is Labor Day Weekend, ceremonial End of Summer in the USA. During this three-day holiday adult American men are obliged to offer up sacrifices to their gods, incinerating animal flesh outdoors near their homes. Families and neighbors consume the charred remains, washing them down with libations of fermented grain orcarbonated sugar-water.

(more…)

Remixed: Julia Child

August 15, 2012


Today is the 100th anniversary of TV chef Julia Child’s birth, and it’s like food fans have been whipped into a frothy frenzy by balloon whisks. They’ve served up a music video (above), a Google Doodle, restaurant celebrations, and events at the Smithsonian, where Julia’s kitchen is now installed. Bon appétit, et joyeux anniversaire Julia!

(more…)

Burnt Offerings

May 26, 2012

Burnt Offerings
It’s Memorial Day weekend, and patriotic citizens honor America’s fallen heroes by incinerating and ingesting meat outdoors. Other observances include mass motorcycle runs, parades of children and pets, traffic jams, and ceremonial retail frenzy.

This weekend will fatten U.S. meat sales and heat up the economy. Citizens who do not eat meat grill veggies; religious Jews grill kosher meat. It might be said that burger burning, bargain-hunting Americans are celebrating the values our fallen heroes were defending, but only if gluttony and consumerism are mistaken for expressions of freedom.

Anyway, have a thoughtful weekend. Observe the traditional moment of silence on Monday at 3:00 PM. And try to avoid the traditional outbreak of Memorial Day motor accidents, boating mishaps, house fires, and food poisoning.

Related:

“National WWII Museum Poll Shows 80 percent of Americans Unfamiliar with Memorial Day’s Real Meaning” (Press Release).

_________________

Shortlink: http://wp.me/6sb6

Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com [Note: I imagined this outrageous grill a few years ago; now someone is selling it].

Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not boring or obscene. Comments may be edited for clarity and length

Add to: Facebook | Digg | Del.icio.us | Stumbleupon | Reddit | Blinklist | Twitter | Technorati | Yahoo Buzz | Newsvine


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