Naughty Scanners Banned at Airports

Many air travelers have been concerned about airport scanning machines. Not about radiation the gizmos might emit, but because they think that TSA personnel can see them naked. As if anyone would want to see them naked.

Apparently TSA can’t fight this fear, so it’s removing those “invasive,” “naked image” scanners and replacing them with less “explicit” models. The whole scanner charade is “security theater,” anyway. The only reason airports have those things is because TSA is part of Homeland Security and that agency’s ex-boss shills for a scanner company.

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Image (“Leonardo’s Scanner”) by Mike Licht. Download a copy here.Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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Geese and Airplanes

Why do geese and airplanes collide?

“The biggest problem … has to do with the land surrounding airports. As a buffer to urban centers, most airports include a lot of undeveloped land around them. Hearty birds find this and use it as a refuge, depending on what plant, water and other natural resources are available.”

–”Why Do Geese and Airplanes Collide?” Jennifer Viegas, Discovery News

And you thought it was because they’re both big things that fly around in the sky at the same time.

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Ron Paul Trial Balloon Shot Down Over I-85

Ron Paul has yet to deploy the mighty airships of the Paulista Air Force, but a Ron Paul hot air balloon flew a sortie over I-85 in South Carolina on Thursday.  It hovered outside Greenville during morning rush hour, and may have been tethered in the frontage road, since the Highway Patrol issued a citation. As Dr. Paul might say, there’s entirely too much law.

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Government Grounds Migratory Mercenaries

American skies are safe once more after the U.S. Government stopped sorties of soaring mercenaries. Paid pilots, cross-dressing interspecies impersonators all, have been barred from the airways by the Federal Aviation Administration.

The pilots from the so-called Occupy Birdland Operation Migration Air Force have been grounded and forced to stop transporting helpless Grus Americana youngsters across state lines for breeding purposes. Nine of the sexual captives are being held incommunicado at Alabama’s Chassahowitzka Federal Detention Facility.

New Ronald Reagan Statue at DC Airport

In 1998, a reverential Republican Congress changed the name of DC’s National Airport to Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport. On Monday, a grateful nation’s corporate owners unleashed a sculptural tribute to our sainted 40th President there. The nine-foot erection is convenient to one of the airport’s Pet Relief Areas (dog owners: please do not confuse the two).

Revenge of the Blimp!

Just when you thought it was safe! The Ron Paul Blimp returns.

Perhaps.

“Hope And Change 2012: Ron Paul Blimp Maybe Coming Out of Storage,” Kirsten Boyd Johnson, Wonkette

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Image by Mike Licht (no biplanes were harmed in making this picture). Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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Body Scanner Alternatives

Air travelers worldwide are protesting the use of full body scanners in airports, and they like TSA’s full-body pat-downs even less. Eternal vigilance is the price we pay in the battle against deadly exploding undergarments, and this public resistance doesn’t leave many alternatives. One of our readers suggested underwear check-in and compulsory use of security-compliant kilts by air travellers. We assume the airlines will charge extra for that.

 

Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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Body Scanner Reality Check

Airports have installed Full Body Scanners (FBSs) to keep exploding underwear from interfering with flight schedules. Number of air crash fatalities caused by exploding underwear: 0. Number of air crash fatalities caused by alligators and crocodiles: 23 (20 in the Congo and three in Florida).  Sounds like TSA needs to hire Crocodile Dundee.

Airport Sculpture to Honor Ronald Reagan

In 1998, a reverential Republican Congress changed the name of DC’s National Airport to Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport. Soon a grateful nation’s corporate owners will erect a sculptural tribute to our sainted 40th President. It will be conveniently located near one of the airport’s new Pet Relief Areas (dog owners: please do not confuse the two).

New Pet Bathrooms at DC Airports

Washington DC’s Reagan National Airport now has “pet relief areas” so traveling dogs can go to the bathroom. Similar facilities just opened at nearby Dulles Airport, including one in the post-security area. Dogs are equally relieved at Baltimore/Washington International Thurgood Marshall Airport (BWI). In fact, jet-set puppies poop at many U.S. airports.