Oh no! Despite reading Cooking Tips for Guys #1, you have a great big, fully-cooked, deep-fried turkey on your hands. You examine it minutely and discover there is no little red zip tab to open so you can take out slices. What now?
That’s some big old avian cadaver you got there, buddy. There’s only one manly way to divvy it up. That’s right: chainsaw.
Wipe off the chain and call the manufacturer to see if you can safely spray it with Pam or a similar food-grade lubricant. Use a clean bedsheet as a dropcloth to gather the “sawdust” for making turkey salad.
Observe all chainsaw safety rules, including use of protective eyewear. Imagine having to answer the question “What happened to your eye?”
Slice away. Man, that sounds great!
Carefully remove the pulverized turkey from the bedsheet before sneaking it into the laundry hamper. Use the Shopvac when you get tired: this may save your marriage.
Chow down, dude!
Clean the saw completely before preparing the winter woodpile or making those goofy lawn sculptures.
Disclaimer:The above is provided for amusement, not actual cooking; chainsaws have been known to malfunction when used on small objects and/or soft matter. NationsCapital is not responsible for interpretations by the humor-impaired, mentally-challenged, or emotionally-disturbed. If English is not your native tongue, please ignore this post. Yes, we are aware that people are injured while improperly using chainsaws, so keep it to yourself. Jeez, what a country.
Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com
