Mike’s Big Money Politics: Staking Claims

In this installment, Mike helps Mike Gravel.

Recent events overseas have shown us how fragile Democracy can be. Aren’t we lucky to live in a county where the Military, the Media or other unelected institutions can’t interfere with free elections? A country where you don’t have to have lots of money to run for president? In America, anyone who can raise the filing fees can run a secret campaign for president.

That’s right. You only need lots of money to run for president if you want other citizens to know you’re running for president. That’s because our Constitution says that if you haven’t raised a million bucks then MSNBC and CNN don’t have to include you in the Presidential Debate Quiz Shows.

Oh, the Constitution doesn’t say that? Well it would have if those periwigged patriots knew jack about Reality TV.  Somebody has to eliminate some of those Political Idol contestants, kick them off the Island. Who better than network TV execs? Don’t like it? It’s a free country; get your own network.

The media are heavily invested in our great finance-intensive democratic system. After all, why do candidates solicit millions of dollars in the first place? To spend on our nation’s beloved TV, radio, newspaper, robo-telephone and bulk-mailing industries. What kind of candidate doesn’t believe Money Talks? I shudder to think the kind of president someone like that would be.

I have been assisting leading Democratic and Republican presidential candidates by providing personalized advice on alternative fund-raising strategies. That’s also my excuse for not giving personal cash donations. So far I have advised Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY), former Senator Fred Thompson (R-NBC), Governor Bill Richardson (D-NM), Senator John McCain (R-AZ), Congressman Dennis Kucinich (D, OH-10), former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani (R – hah!- NYC), Senator Barack Obama (D-IL), and former Governor Mike Huckabee (R-AR). They are all so busy using my advice they haven’t had time to thank me. Not even by email.

Today I’ll help Mike Gravel.

Former Senator Mike Gravel of Alaska came out way ahead in the recent Democratic Presidental Debate in Las Vegas  — he wasn’t there. He wasn’t in the previous debate either. Why? Because strangers only gave the Senator a quarter-million dollars for his campaign. Call the networks when you’ve got a million, Senator, and hope they don’t up the ante to $2 million.

Some Democrats might be reluctant to vote for Mike Gravel because he cannot seem to keep a job. He has been a New York City cab driver, Wall Street clerk, U.S. Army spy, railroad brakeman, Alaska state legislator, U.S. Senator, author and lecturer and president of loopy foundations that propose actual democracy in the U.S. What if he got bored with the presidency and quit to become an Alaska fishing guide?

Is there anything else in the Senator’s biography we can work with to raise some money? Senator Gravel had something to do with the release of the Pentagon Papers or Federalist Papers, something old like that. He is the son of immigrants and went to French-speaking schools. He’s a dyslexic Roman Catholic. His real name is Maurice. Oh dear.

To be frank, there is not much to work with in Mr. Gravel’s past. Just this: He was born in 1930. That means we can ride the demographic wave and take a page from the AARP playbook.

Senator, sell this insurance:

Not only is insurance a great way to make a pile of money, you can even use the need for it to publicize your health care agenda. And if you hire experienced health insurance personnel you won’t have to pay out any claims before the election — or maybe ever!

 

Images by Mike Licht. Mike Licht is not the provider of this fictional insurance. Actual provider: Fictional Insurance of Erehwon, CT.